Block or charge..

Some time ago I joined a group of other grieving parents.  When I first joined I was feeling awful about the loss. I am not feeling awful all the time anymore. 

Some days I prefer to block from my day the negativity of estrangement. I often feel grateful for not having conflicts or drama. Other days I feel like charging to bridge the gap. But previous experiences keeps me reserved. 

Even though life has gone on with a thousand positive things, when I think of them it's in the context of conflicts from ago. Maybe they feel the same way. Who knows. 

What I do know is that my current life has peace, love, and happiness in it. I am valued and respected. And, I am a grandparent. I am grateful for the people in my life that embrace my true, best self. I don't miss the criticism, condescension, and being patronized. My ex may have made changes but that is the legacy left in the kids. 

Did I screw up along the way? Yes. I don't know a parent who is perfect. I showed up. I stayed. I cared even when the the ex didn't or couldn't. There was a lot I had no control over but I am still accountable. Some things I wish were different. 

A few bad moments do not not define me as a person or parent.