Bittersweet Birthdays

 So... it's been a while since I've put out much of anything but a response to a meme. I haven't had anything to really write about. My life has been focused on other serious things other than my daughters and my estrangement with them.

My youngest daughter came up in conversation last Friday. In recent times I don't think about either of them that much. But, I do when her birthday is approaching. I think about Spring 2018. All of that year was a transition year. I think about holding her in my arms as a baby. I think about the fun and routine times when my former family was together. I think about 2008 when our family disintegrated. I think about how she was short-changed at such a young age of having a solid family life for the rest of the time that she grew up. I tried as a single mother but I missed the mark sometimes.

I recently came into possession of a journal that my mother kept in 2003. I don't remember telling her about the problems that I was having in my marriage at that point. But, mothers always have a way of knowing things. She wrote about my ex's return to drinking and using drugs. She wrote that he was out of the house. There were several times he was out of the house because of his addictions. I was miserable. I think we all were. I often told myself that I was keeping things away from the kids, but kids are aware of things behind closed doors and the emotional current in the house.

I wish I had the strength to have left him with the kids as soon as it started. I was a SAHM and I was scared. I tried putting on the best face I could, hiding to the exterior world. My ex's mental health issues were often more than I could cope with. I often buried my head in the sand and made excuses for him in an effort to keep my family together. I often felt isolated and alone. I am responsible for staying and the impact that had on them.

How do you explain to your now adult children what trauma bonding does to you? How do you explain that there was never an intention to harm them? There are no excuses.

The trauma bond was not broken with the divorce. It took 8 years after the divorce to draw appropriate boundaries. And it's taken no contact to heal.

Last year I copied him on an email to my daughters about my health and on another email about a piece of mail I had received. That's all it took for him to start harassing my new husband. I have had him blocked in my phone and on social media for several years. He sent me an email reply and I did not reply back. He was just copied in case the daughters had changed their email addresses so they would know. He then began to harass my husband. That is his relentless way.

It's hard. He's mentally ill and has continued to stalk my house. I purposely avoid his when I go to the post office or anywhere nearby. We live in the same neighborhood. (I'm considering a move but it's close to work for me.) God knows the scenarios he has continued to create - not my problem.

I think about six years ago, the point where I broke in grief over my mother's death and realizing the depths of grief that I had been living in for years. I think about the manipulation I was dealing with from him and my daughters. I think of how he twisted things in their heads. I think about how they did not understand my responses. I think about the ways that I wasn't there for my daughters when they needed me to be from their point of view. And, today it's not crushing me as in years past. Thank God for the past six years of healing.

Having cancer for the past year, I have been grateful for the estrangement. I think that if I had contact with my daughters that he would find a way to insert himself into my life again. That stress is not welcome. I've had peace and resilience fighting for my life. And, as a dear friend who has known me for 40+ years has reminded me, I am a badass warrior woman. That woman was lost in the trauma bond of the relationship to my ex for 23 years. She reminded me that I was cool, a risk taker, fun, and not someone to put up with people's shit (along with all her other wonderful expletives).

So, today I wish her a happy birthday to the universe and wish her well. I also wish her well on her upcoming wedding which I will not be a part of. I will be caring for myself in a different locale.