On Navigating Grief & Silence in Estrangement

Hello friends... I recently read some things that I wanted to share and comment on in regards to estrangement. As always, I hope this parent's view helps someone else out there.

 

All this time, I thought the heaviness and discomfort I had towards you was unforgiveness.

The type of heaviness that makes you think about a person or a situation and completely get immersed in the offense or disdain as if it just happened.

As time passed and my healed eyes opened, I realized it wasn't unforgiveness or merely my inability to forget.

It was grief.

I was mourning the person I thought you were, the bond I thought we had, and the future I always pictured you in.

I was grieving because I was accepting that your season in my life had expired.

- From the freedom of forward by Morgan Richard Oliver

 

Instead of the old adage, sticks and stone will break my bones but words will never hurt me...

Sticks and stones are hard on bones, aimed with angry art.

Words can sting like anything, but silence breaks the heart.

 

When a person goes silent and refuses to communicate or hear another person out, it can be a sign of immaturity, cruelty, and/or disrespect. The other person is left wondering if they are lacking interpersonal skills or shutting down in a crisis or punishing or trying to control the other person.

When facing silence, it's good to take time to reflect and care for ones self, 

What part did I have in this?

How do I want to move forward?

Do I contact them?

Do I leave the door open?

Remember it's a two way street. Do you want micro scrutiny and constant criticism to return? Do you owe an apology for anything?

I don't know if self examination is what estranged adult children do. I did when I personally went through it on that side of it in my early 20s. I went to therapy and did a lot of self work. But I don't see current cultural evidence that it's widespread now. Instead I see often times estrangement is a social badge in seeking acceptance and encouragement of peers. In the present there definitely something wrong, but I question 40% of parents of being it.

Adult children are going no contact, ghosting (going silent) and refusing to work things out. Even if it's not initially intended, it's about control and abuse too. It's down right wrong. It's a weird power struggle rather than transitioning to a place of mutual respect of differences. Maybe it's from the fundamental cultural shift.

There are situations that children may need to get away from a parent, genuine cases of defined abuse, but look how many parents are in this. This is more to it than that. If they don't like you or perceived slight, you're cut off, without dialogue or resolution. It's a profound loss on both sides that will ripple across further generations. Not just in the case of the immediate relationship but extended relationships.

I understand if they tried talking, getting help, and we chose to disrespect them, but many of us are willing to hear them, meet them half way, own that we aren't perfect. They don't want to give us closure, peace, love. And definitely not grace. They could care less. It's black and white. They don't see us as people.

Years into this journey, I find silence is golden. I know peripherally they are okay and doing well. And I know that I gave them the foundation and tools to survive and thrive in the world. I did my part to put good humans out into the world, even though I am denied participation in some of their lives. Although I do question their characters in regards to treatment of other people. And now as an empty-nester my home is peaceful, free from the meddling gaslighting of my ex husband and hypercritical adolescents that once brought me great stress.

I know that I would not have survived surgeries, chemotherapy, radiation, and ongoing cancer treatment as well as I have if my environment was stress filled this past year. Do I love them? Yes. I carried them in my body and brought them into the world. I raised them with all the love, care, and morality that I had to give.

They will be alright. And they have to live with themselves and their choices throughout their lives. I know that they believe that they are doing what is best for them. We'll see. Only time will tell. Well, maybe not me.

It's good to be past the grief stage.

#estrangement #adultchildren #grief #healing #mothering #silence #time #ghosting #nocontact #ambiguousgrief #resilience #cancerjourney #cancer

#MorganRichardOliver