Anger / Grief

It took me way too many years to figure out that my anger was actually grief. 

It confounded me when my older ED told me that I had become a bitter person like my mom. My mom was a lot of things, but she was not bitter. When my ED told me that, my focus was on figuring out my mom and deflecting. I think I did that in defense. I did know that I had been carrying around anger. The anger was not directed at my kids. 

What I had been blind to was how it impacted them. The lack of proper boundaries with my ex did not give me the space to get past the end of the marriage. It's my fault. We still had kids to raise and I had not stopped loving/hating him.

[Maybe its nobody's fault in this is what happens when a marriage ends. I hate the whole fault thing. I had an ex boyfriend who loved to find blame because he lacked accountability. That irritated 😤 me. But when it comes to my kids I have second guessed myself every step of the way, always blaming myself for any problems. My standards were higher for myself than them and I failed plenty along the way. Alas, I am accountable for fault in this.]

It's taken considerable work to get past the anger and underlying grief. But I did. And, when I did, I found myself alone but with the whole world open to me. 

Now, over the past two years a new life has emerged in which I feel happy, centered, and loved. I missed that for a very long time.. more than 15 years, maybe 20. This is the me I wish my daughters knew.

Looking back, I regret that the younger two of my three mostly knew my grief growing up. It did color our world. 

I miss my kids. I don't miss being picked apart with criticism by them at every turn and being patronized.. lessons they learned from him and probably me, if I'm being honest. 

I do think I was a good mom in that I gave them a good set of morals and sacrificed to set them up for success in life. It's sad I can't / won't be a part of that. I've mostly made my peace though, at least for myself.