The Gift of Letting Go

I was lost in it way to long.. I found the cure.. in the woods.. 

just breathe... and let go

The path for me has often been uneven and sometimes rocky, sometimes with others walking beside me, sometimes walking alone. When I feel my feet pressing into the earth, it gives me solace. This is a place to reflect and to reclaim myself. I love the feeling of connection that comes from being in the woods, with the thought of being told many years ago as a teen.. leave nothing but footprints and take nothing but pictures. Thanks, Al, for that one.

I titled one of my research trees Roots and Branches. In the earth all of the roots are intertwined and become indistinguishable, as the trees and the branches on them seem to stand alone - an uncross-able expanse between them. It's an illusion. Underneath they are connected. To me the comparison is apt.

What happens when we carry around old beliefs that don't really fit anymore? Are we constrained by what lies beneath?

Sometime we carry around old beliefs or a life script that doesn't really fit anymore. Sometimes we feed a past experience and keep it alive to explain, or sometimes excuse, our current or former ways of being or thinking. 

Some people are great about identifying their behavior, for example, "I'm this way because this happened, and then this happened, and then this.." and feel powerless to rewire their systems or are comfortable sticking with a state of misery because it's familiar and has come to feel like home. Raises hand. I slipped into that defensive, miserable place without even realizing it during the demise of my former marriage and for years after.

I found reaching into my roots actually set me free.

Life sentence?

My daughters, over the past two years, now stand in silent judgement. They do not consider the million things I did right, only the handful of failures. They were not neglected. They were not abused. They were loved.. and still are, albeit from a distance.

Many times, I was forced - bullied - with threats from my ex-husband both legal and financial in the years after my divorce which affected the choices I had about where I was living, parenting decisions I made, and my personal/professional life. I also allowed him to manipulate me with my conflicting feelings for him. (I never imagined I would be sucked into that toxic dance, but I was.) Despite that, I did my best to hold onto my moral compass to protect my daughters and made decisions that would put them in the most advantageous situations for their futures, while trying to carve out some limited personal life. I managed to keep them in the best public school system in the state, encouraged academic and social engagement, as a broke single parent.

Balancing that took always having multiple contingency plans. It was a mess that I was not successful in shielding them from as much as I hoped to. The relationship between their father and I has always been complicated but the dynamics post divorce through raising them was unhealthy. I'm grateful today that is in the past and maybe we are sort of friends and sometimes have each other's backs. The gift of time.

I took accountability for my failings, their father's, and every situation whether I had influence to change it or not. It didn't matter. I accept that.

Some time ago it came to me.. What about the choice to not participate? That is a choice. That is freeing to me. Even though they were already distanced I could choose to not live in pain.

There I went down the rabbit hole again. Easy to do when thinking about the kids.

...breathe

As an estranged parent it can sometimes feel like a life sentence of punishment doled out as severe criticism and banishment, navigating impossible standards of someone else's definition of perfection. There is nothing that I can do to change anything in the past and I'm done with punishment.

I did make mistakes. I tried to remedy them. It didn't matter. I grieved hard. I let go.  Bottom line... I choose a happy life in the present and in the future.

Who says your past has to dictate your future?  

Yes, I understand and acknowledge that I may be done with the past but the past may not be done with me.

Here's the thing.. your past does not have to dictate your present or your future. Worth repeating.. your past does not have to dictate your present or your future. It's a choice. I also understand it may take a lot of work, and it does, I did it. I had to get out of my own way.

The focus can be on the story of what happened or the focus can be on the situation you are choosing to participate in right now. The story of your participation is always where you'll find substance, the map, the pathway to healing. Going to the source of your pain is worthwhile, leaning into it, understanding it, having compassion for yourself. These things are necessary to release the heat of your pain and move forward freely. But living in pain, humiliation, and shame from yourself or others does not have to be a part of the bargain. 

A state of pain may feel familiar, but it surely does not feel good!

The message is to allow yourself to be surprised by joy, by love, by life, and by having your heart broken, if necessary. And, by getting out of your own way to build a life and have love and respect again. Otherwise, it's like clinging to the side of a cliff by your nails.. and who wants to do that !?!

With my daughters we are still back there because there is no communication between us, either way, and I am okay with that. I know that I gave them a good foundation for life. I send them love and light when I think of them.

Wishing all love, peace, and the strength to put your boots on the path.