Parenting Adult Children: Don't Pursue Your Estranged Kids... Here's Why

Persistence Does Not Work

I know there are some things that must be learned the hard way. Well, that's been true for me with some things anyway. Maybe that's true for you too. Let me know if you identify with me in the comments. But in my determination to do things and fix things, I think that if keep trying until I succeed things will work out fine. This has served me well in succeeding in some areas of my life, but with my children it comes off as being overbearing - over advocating, not listening, not taking their feelings into account, etc. The ironic thing is that all three of them also have this trait from me, persistence. But blindly persisting can be disastrous and can result in estrangement with adult children, among other things.

I wish I could say to them, I get it, and my pride does not stand in the way of admitting when I've made a mistake or not so great judgement call. 

I have apologized in person six years ago for the times my actions or inactions hurt them. For not being the parent they thought that I needed to be for them. And I meant it even though there were times they could not see the bigger picture because they were young. But I recognize their experience of things from their child point of view, even if everything is not factually correct, it is the experience to them.
I also apologized for things that I was not responsible for and did not agree with. It made me feel like garbage after and gave them fuel because it seemed like a validation of the untrue parts. I wrote about that in another post some time ago.

I wasn't a perfect parent. I wasn't the fun parent that was able to do the fun things after the divorce. I was the broke single parent who had to steer them in the direction of preparation of having a good life. I was the authority figure and disciplinarian that had to give the consequences that the younger two bashed themselves against through adolescence, along with my ex who has a problem with anyone with kind authority. Sometimes I had to firmly say no. I tried to do fun things and advocate for them. I encourage them to explore themselves as people.

I don't hold hope of reconciliation because my younger two children are major grudge holders. 

I know they can't see things from a life experienced point of view and it feels dismissive to their judgement when I pointed out that if I am responsible for all of their failures then I'm also responsible for all their successes. The truth is that they have had agency since their adolescences and while I contributed, both their successes and failures are on them.

I often told them long before they were grown and estranged that my role as their parent was to be their guide and give them a foundation. What they do with it is up to them. They have choices.  

I wish I could say to them that sometimes things don't work out and that's okay. (I've always lived by plan A, B, C, D, E, and F (f*ck it.) plan) Although it's painful and sometimes drastically life changing when things don't work out (like divorce), it can lead to something that is way more authentic and wonderful given time. One may not be able to see what's coming over the horizon when there is a looming obstacle and that can be scarry for everyone involved. And in transitions people can do stupid things. I am sorry for how things impacted them. The life I imagined was so much better than the life they had being the children of divorce. Although all three are college educated and successful, they carry the scars of being the children of divorce.

I hope they have good lives and choose things that will make them happy and that they have partners who love them and endure life's challenges with them for the duration. I hope they carry the lessons and foundation that I gave them and live in the present, showing up for the people that are important to them. I hope that when life knocks them down, as it does with everyone, that they have the strength to pick themselves up and keep going, as I have modelled for them even though I struggled.

And I hope that they know that if they feel that being around me harms them in any way, it's okay to go their own way. I taught them to think for themselves, to speak up and be agents of change.

(BTW, whether you are persistent or totally hands off, expect to be lambasted and picked apart either way. It's part of the natural disintegration that occurs even for adult children who do not choose to estrange. Regardless pay particular attention to the next part.)

Boundaries

From one parent to another...

In my determination to keep trying, persistence has indeed paid off in my professional life, it took me more than one attempt and to be flexible to get into the company that I wanted and to be catapulted into an interesting, fulfilling career over the past 10 years. And also coming out of my stasis to say yes to opportunities and to not hold onto the past. But in estrangement, it does not work.

 With estrangement, I felt like that if I kept trying by reaching out to them that I could bridge the divide, problems could be solved, and eventually a loving relationship could be restored. For me it was about getting to the heart of the matter and getting through it. Well, for all estranged parents and everyone for that matter, it takes both sides to be willing and have open hearts.

It took me a while to understand, to get it through my head, that when estranged parents get a "No Contact" letter, or are simply told through a text, email, phone call, or in person, that these estranged kids want nothing to do with us, we should listen. They are telling us what they want - to go away.

Mine told me, and they meant it. And I believe them. It was unequivocally clear.

As straightforward as I can be, that means:

• They don't want us to send cards, gifts, money, or show up on their doorsteps sobbing or demanding to know what went wrong.
• They don't want a message sent though "Aunt Martha" or their youngest/oldest sibling about how much you miss them.
• They don't want you to send presents to your grandchildren. They are very well aware of how they are hurting us through denying us participation in their lives. It's part of the estrangement charm for them. Anger is the fuel for the desire to hurt.

They want nothing. Give them what they want, your absence and the absence of your physical and material resources as well, if you feel so inclined. That is respecting their adult boundaries.

Well, if you're paying their phone bills and car insurance, they want that, lol, but if you've a mind to disconnect the way their "demand" demands, then I'd give them a month's notice before cutting off the parental ATM. But paying their car insurance is contact. Keeping them on your health insurance is contact. Remember that when you support them, that is contact.

If you read as much as many of us do across many estranged groups and threads, you'll realize this isn't just my opinion. 

Where your boundaries should be...

The reality of pursuing your adult children can have very serious consequences. Parents have had the police called on them for leaving gifts for sweet grandchildren on the front porch. I've read of a few who have actually been arrested. Gifts are returned unopened, still wrapped. Restraining orders are obtained and if you accidentally show up in the same Walmart as they are in within 1000 feet, you can be arrested just for saying "hello" to them. That's the reality

Guys, some of these adult children mean business in their vindictiveness. Are they right? Mostly no. They're sowing the seeds, the future harvest of which they can't begin to see. Neither can we. 

Take care of yourself. Focus on your own life. Think about the boundaries that you would want if you were approached to open the channels of communication. Think about what it would take to rebuild trust. Consider the impact of stress.

Some additional kind advice...

They certainly don't want us showing up at their jobs to confront them about our estrangement. I've heard of this multiple times. It doesn't help. It doesn't make them love us more. They don't see this as proof of our love and dedication to them as our children. They see it as proof of refusal to respect their demands. And they see it as an enormous humiliation. 

It makes them feel less empowered, and they need to feel empowered. I'm beginning to see that more clearly watching others do these things. Give them the empowerment over their lives they crave. Realize that parental influence loomed large for them, but it no longer does. I know this is counter-intuitive to parents, like me, who was told love them and they will love you from a time of stronger family ties, Not so much anymore, at least not in my tribe.

But that said, a "No Contact" letter is the prelude to a restraining order, and you, we, I, don't want that. I used to think that messages of love were never wrong. I reversed that philosophy some time ago. I was wrong. A message of love is contact. A gift is contact. Dropping something off on their doorstep is contact. Mailing them their baby pictures (even if they ask for them) is contact. 

You don't have to block them on every technical contact avenue but stay off their sites and socials. Go watch their TikTok or Instagram rants if you want (I don't anymore) but don't comment. That's contact. Leave them alone. Give them what they want - nothing. 

This is a hard one for us parents and I think for other family members as well, "How could they possibly not want me to send a birthday gift? Aren't loving parents supposed to send birthday, Christmas, Chanukah, Easter (whatever) gifts to their children and grandchildren?" Well, of course - if you have the routine, normally dysfunctional family, but we don't. Our families aren't of normal dysfunction. 

Why? I don't know what influences all this for sure, but I can say this, I think there are more than one or two parents out there who might agree with me. 

Leave them alone. Easy to write, hard to do, especially the earlier you are into estrangement. It's so hard. It's so hurtful, so painful, so soul-crushing, but we need to give them what they want. Nothing. 

And I put out there that if we do this, they will eventually come back to us. At least that's my somewhat dream and what my own mother told me before she passed on. But I don't have much faith in the future of the American nuclear family, and I take comfort in the fact that it won't be of my doing. 

Love to all. Hugs. XOXOXOs. Be strong in whatever way works for you.

But know in the back of your mind that we must all be careful what we wish for, because we just might get it.

#nocontact #estrangedparent