The Quandary of Reconciliation

Articles on estrangement are often lacking. Yes, they point out the process, the grief, the intensity, but where is the balanced solution, the resolution, the place of peaceful acceptance? Is it because there are so few events in our lives that actually do not offer resolve when, by the hand of another, one's life is permanently altered? What about the fact that even if the adult child returns, lurking beneath the surface olive branch is the terror of a repeated and abrupt exit?

I recognize there may be no Disney ending to a tragedy of this nature. A wound of this nature inflicted on a parent will never entirely mend. Like the loss of a limb, one feels phantom pains and reconciliation could feel like an artificial limb - there but not truly connected.

Two things remain once estrangement passes a year in duration. There is a kind of "dead weight memory" of your child that affixes itself to both ankles. We are aware of their ever present death grip on our heart, while feeling true terror over the loss and potential overtures of returning to our lives. On one hand hoping they return and on the other hand dreading the emotional upheaval of renewing trust that they won't leave again, only to unearth typhoons of grief once again. There's no avoiding this quandary.

Our Part in this..

As our culture was busy building story lines of entitlement and self-absorption that I don't necessarily agree with, we were teaching compassion and caring by our selfless example. Or so we thought. Sadly, our children saw our unbridled focusing on their needs as "just the way it ought to be."

By such fierce loving and dedication, we unknowingly ADDED to our children's sense of entitlement by catering to them and now we wonder why they are turning around and telling us we fell short. This outcome is actually predicable. When you cater to a child's every need they learn to expect the world caters to them. 

At some point when their individuation development phase of adulting begins and they themselves are approach parenting age, they reassess us as parents and decided which parts of our modeling they keep and which parts they will dispose of according to their values. That is, if they are somewhat balanced. If, however, if they have unresolved anger over our divorcing or over their childhood experiences and they have not taken responsibility for their own lives emotionally, well then all bets are off. They will turn around and blame you!!

Blame/Responsibility

From a psychological perspective, there is a blame/responsibility continuum. The degree to which they take responsibility for their anger means less blame for the parent. The inverse is also true. The excessive increase in estrangement in our culture tells me that our adult children, who have been given many opportunities for success (some handed to them) have refined their sense of entitlement, in part, due to our catering, but also because they are struggling to strike a balance of blame/responsibility as they take the final steps into adulthood. Many simply do not have the emotional maturity to accept the responsibility required of them as adults, which includes forgiveness of their parents who fell short of perfection.