Reconciliation and Other Things

I dedicated myself to a year of chronicling my thoughts, feelings, and research about estrangement, sharing insights and research. I did take a break from my usual cycle of posts through the holidays but I'm back.. ten months in.

This pandemic year has provided an introspective backdrop not just for me but everyone. I have been seeing it everywhere. As burdensome as the past year has been, it's been heartening. Through the isolation I've had wonderful support, for which I am grateful.

Interestingly, my oldest made contact after about a year and a half. He has been video chatting with my granddaughter, who I have not met in person. At first it was very weird, a bit of walking on eggshells, which I do not like. I have been done for some time with folding into what others want me to be. The past taught me one is respected less for that. We have not had a conversation about the estrangement. After the last couple of months of the video visits he sent me a text saying thanks. It was a bit surprising. I wonder the feelings and emotions behind that. I suppose I will probably never know and that's okay. 

I am left wondering if the thanks was his way of signaling return to estrangement soon, that he came for something and is going to disappear as he's had a pattern of doing. The upside is that if that is the case, I won't be as devastated because I had grieved and moved on before he reached out to me and I am detached. Well, who am I kidding? We'll see.

I remember my mom saying when he was little, "when children are small they walk all over your feet, when they are big they walk all over your heart." True, mom, true. I know I did both to her. I'm grateful to carry her wisdom in these challenging times. She is two and half years passed. Things she said to me:

You just have to let them feel like they feel. There's nothing you can do about it anyway. Right or wrong, good or bad, it doesn't make a difference.

Go live your life. Make a life for yourself. They will grow up and go away and eventually come back.

I gave them the best foundation that I could. Now it's up to them.

I've been working on building a life for myself, apart from mothering, for past four years now, I started before my mom passed with her nudging as I talked to her about the struggles with my younger two. And, I've been the better for it. When I found myself alone without the people that I thought would be there in my grief when she passed, it was the impetus for change. I realized I had been in grief for years as I did the grief work with her passing. It took everything I had left, but I let go and did the work of reclaiming my life. Then the universe opened up to me and led me to a new life. The younger two have not seen this because they are on their own journey adjusting to adulthood.

My journey has led me to say yes to life. Where previously reticent for years, I have returned to myself, an adventurer following a higher purpose. This is life post raising children.

Say yes..

Letting go of everything was the best thing that I ever did. It opened the door to all the good that has come into my life over the past three years. My cup runneth over.

For my children, my wish is that they know the happiness that I have, that they find love that transforms and inspires them to be their best selves starting from within. What they may not know or may not be able to see is that I put my whole self into raising them to the best of my ability and though I may not be granted to see the fruits of my labor and aspiration, I wish them well.

It's a peaceful, beautiful thing.