Questions on Parental/Offspring Love

Equal Love?

Should children love their parents as much as parents love them? Is it unreasonable to expect equality? What are the expectations of a relationship with mutual love and respect with adult children?

In a parent group that I'm in there has been recent discussion and thoughts that parental love and love from children should be equal. Thoughts are that if the feelings are mutual, then the effort to have a loving caring relationship will be equal. Even in my non-estranged parent/child relationship with my oldest, that is not really the case. Since he is a parent now of my two year old granddaughter, I wonder if he is understanding that at this point. The parent/child relationship is not a level playing field. I think that when our children become adults we sometimes forget that.

Through estrangement, a conclusion that I've come to is that children do not love their parents unconditionally. And, maybe they are not supposed to.

A child seldom has the overwhelming, step-in-front-of-a-bus type of love that a parent has, nor should they. We all, as children, take our parents love somewhat for granted. We all as parents love even the most flawed children. It is a very different relationship. To some extent it is meant to be that way. We nurture, protect, encourage, and support our offspring. If my children spent oodles of their resources on me, I would feel I had failed to provide for myself. Yet, I spent a bundle on them, including clearing out my retirement account as a single parent to provide for them, appropriately so. We truly do not expect that same type of love from our children. At least I don't.

Estrangement Reminder

I heard my daughter's voice over the phone a couple of days ago. Reminders sometimes happen at odd moments.

My ex was at my house evaluating my car because it would not come out of gear into park. (He was a mechanic in the MC and we are at a place of helping each other out when we can.) I learned there is a recall for my model year for this. He was sitting next to me in the front seat and my husband was standing next to him at the driver door to figure it out. He said he was irritated with her because she was not returning his calls and there were things he needed her to do. She is in her third year of college and she needs to fill out her part of the fall financial aid paperwork. He also needed to look at the car he provides for her to see if it needs any additional work. My unspoken thought was that he's getting a minor taste of what I've been going through the past three years. Although at that level it's just frustration and not heart break.

She finally called him as he was looking at my car. He glanced sideways at me and was uncomfortable taking the call in front of me, but he did. I remained silent and listened. I felt a bit surprised that her voice sounds so much like mine. A pang of missing her went through me. It was a reminder of how I miss her. It was good to hear her voice but I also felt sad.

 I offered him to take home some plums from my plum tree which is bountiful this year. He declined and I offered he take some for our daughter, who partially lives with him. He said maybe I should ask her myself. I said I'm not going to do that, she doesn't speak to me. I'm not sure if that was a jab at me for the estrangement. His comment did cause me to pause and think maybe a light offer like that is a good idea. I quickly dismissed it. I think any communication from me would be unwelcome and would be self-harm on my part.

How it Began

The estrangement with her began for two reasons...

First, there was a lie she told her cousin about not being available to hang out with her. I was unaware that she told her cousin that I needed her to do something for me and that she was not feeling well. Her cousin called me and I told her that I was not aware of any of that. Hurt feeling ensued. My daughter then decided she wanted nothing to do with her cousin, then my extended family, and then me. I had told my daughter that she should have told her the truth. My daughter was upset at my niece's reaction. Granted my niece is like my younger sister in that she blows up when upset and has difficulty taking no for an answer. I supported my daughter in having boundaries and encouraged her to be truthful. She was not. Rather than heal that and move on she estranged. 

Second, not long after that happened, she witnessed a disagreement between my ex and I over money. Since she was about to begin college at the time, she was acutely aware of the implications. In retrospect, I was wrong in participating in that conversation in front of her. Her father had motivations for it to happen that way at the time because he wanted to change the agreement which was going to be a detriment for me. And, he knows exactly where to push my buttons when he wants to. Even so, I should have been calm enough to ask my daughter to step outside or wait on the conversation. But I wasn't. It was less than a month out from my mother dying and I was in the middle of emotional upheaval from that grief. It was not my finest moment.

My perception as a parent is not what matters. Her view of these events does.

My views on paying for college

I view education as a necessary tool for life. I became a single parent when my daughters were seven and eleven, and my son was twenty-one, which was fourteen years ago. I had financial struggles post divorce. My views on the necessity of education did not change. So I did what I could to put them in best position for college entrance and scholarships. Parent loans were out of the question. I could not, and would not, pile on debt in a precarious situation. 

I was in a better situation when my son started college but still did not take out parent loans. We paid for his living expenses and car insurance. I had the expectation that he would work through school... and he did the first two years. At a certain point in engineering school, school becomes a full time job. I had the same expectations of my daughters. They can take out the loans and work. It's been a source of friction with them. All of them have a much longer work life ahead of them than I do. My son worked and paid off all of his student loans in two and a half years. He doesn't understand why they couldn't accept that we are not wealthy people. I came from a working class/poor background and have been fortunate enough through hard work, sacrifice, and luck to have raised my kids solidly middle class.

My ex took out parent loans for both daughters and has over 25k in parent loan debt. He has also had the ability to provide for them additionally. So he is seen as the good parent in this scenario. I am seen as the bad parent. It took me a decade to get back on my feet post divorce. I believe in being fair with all three equally and that children have a responsibility and stake in their futures.

My son has thanked me for the values I instilled. He is successful in his career and life. My daughters are not there yet. My hope is that with maturity they will understand the reasons for my boundaries and that my values are passed on.

If I had been born into wealth or obtained wealth in my life, my views may be different, but I hope not. I've seen through life that when people have something handed to them it is valued less than having a financial stake in the outcome. I am not a 'boot-straps' person. I don't think we get somewhere in life without the aid of others. I've had opportunities come my way, help from others, and worked hard. Is it too much to ask for them to understand these values?

Final thought on Parental Love

I love all three of them. Despite the estrangement of the younger two, that has not stopped. As a mother, that step-in-front-of-a-bus innate drive is still there. As my mother said, 'once a parent, always a parent.' I wish for them everything. What has changed is trust and the acceptance that estrangement has permanently changed what ever relationship may be in the future. Also, there is the acceptance that estrangement with them may be permanent...and that is okay... and after hard work, I am okay with that.