Thoughts on Forgiveness

 Okay... just hearing the word "forgiveness" used to make me cringe. I spent a lot of years pissed off at people whether "people" knew it or not.

What it meant to me was that someone could hurt me, lie to me, or even abuse me, then say "sorry," and that I was supposed to pretend like nothing happened. If I didn't, that person or someone else would say to me, "I thought you were a forgiving person" (with that smirk) or "what, I already said I was sorry" (which pissed me off even more). Even the apologies that seemed genuine left me with suspicion.

I felt disgust, inside and out, and contempt.

Most of us have heard the platitudes.. "forgiveness sets you free" and it's for you not them." My thought was !@#$ that. Neither of those worked for me. I did not feel "free" and there appeared to be nothing in it for me to keep allowing their nonsense. So under the surface I had a mental list of the people who pissed me off that I would chew on ways to get satisfaction. My head was not a pleasant place to be.

Well... it took me a very long time to actually understand what it is. After irritatingly looking up a dictionary definition and doing some reading on forgiveness, I found that it finally made sense. What I believed "forgiveness" was, wasn't what it was at all.

Forgiveness means to let go of anger and resentment towards a person or even from the past. It's taken a lot of work to wrap my head around that, especially on the big negative events of the past. And, far from being a perfect person, on any given day that list, once in a while, reappears. The good thing is that it is not charged as in the past, mostly.

What is important about the definition isn't so much what it does say but what it doesn't.

Forgiveness is ceasing to carry around resentment or anger inside of yourself for what happened in the past. It doesn't say you're supposed to pretend it never happened. It doesn't say you're supposed to trust the person again when they broke your trust, just because you forgave them. It doesn't even say you have to speak to them again. Ever. 

So here's a shocker... Forgiveness IS for you. Forgiveness DOES set you free. (My snark rising with those truths. It is actually real.)

There is a reality that there are rewards for having a long term relationship with people and not turning your back. That can be a REAL challenge when we've been wronged. Relationships can be hard. But, it takes work to get there.

Forgiveness is only to stop carrying around the pain of the past inside of you so that you don't bring it into every new place you go, allowing it to bubble up on people who had nothing to do with causing you injury. (Although I am sometimes still guilty of the all people suck trope, I am a work in progress.)

If you decide to forgive a person but not speak to them again because you know you cannot trust them, that's 100% wise to do. (No Polyanna crap here.) It means your trust was broken and they gave you no reason to think it would not be broken again. So you decided to separate. Or maybe they made promises and broke them again and again until your trust in them was entirely demolished.

Forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation. There can be benefits to reconciliation, but that's better saved for another post.

Forgiveness means you accept what happened has happened and can't be changed. That's probably the hardest thing to accept when it's easier to hold onto anger and the desire for not just apology, but revenge. It also means when a memory is triggered from the past, you're not fired up by anger and resentment, and completely dis-empowered in that moment as if you were still living in the past.

It isn't instant, nor easy, and there is a process to it. It takes time. Memories can catch you off guard, but once you are aware of what is happening, you can process them and dissolve them as they come. I sometimes use EMDR from YouTube, use calming breath, attempt to desensitize through conversation about the memory, or sometimes pray. Also, if it's toward someone I love and miss, I send them light and love through my mental energy out toward the universe. That's enough. This prevents me from being in a foul mood toward those I am around.

Knowing what forgiveness is, real actual forgiveness, and applying it to my life have been absolutely life changing. I can choose to no longer poison present days with past pain. I can hear a song that reminds me of a painful time in the past and not wallow. I didn't forget what happened, but it no longer has power over me to ruin my day.

This is the gift of forgiveness. It's not for them, about them, or dependent on them. It is for you, about you, takes place within you, and gives you your life back. It gives you and all those who you choose to have in your life now the best version of you, unencumbered by haunting memories that no longer haunt.

You don't forget, you don't erase, you heal.