The Health Risks of Silence

Silence is Suffering

Silence, as many of us who are estranged have found out, is violence. It is an act of aggression that causes ongoing trauma. It is one of the most potent ways someone can cause deep suffering. 

Silence is a very effective tool when used on relational people because people are built for connection. Most people are ready, willing, and able to process conflict that comes up between them and those they are connected with. When they are denied that opportunity with close familial connections, they suffer. (There is a masochism in those that enjoy causing others suffering. Yes, that is a judgement supported by the facts.) 

Those experiencing estrangement suffer not just psychologically but physically as well. They become more at risk of disease when the bridge to expression is blocked causing all of those unsaid words and unprocessed feelings to congeal inside, risking their emotional and physical well-being. (I have a great deal of personal experience with this stressful long-term complex grief.)

Risks to Your Health

Broken Heart Syndrome is a real thing, along with other stress related illnesses. There is a high incidence of Broken Heart Syndrome in late middle-aged women and the numbers have been climbing during the pandemic. (But it can happen to anyone.) There are some things during this stage of life that can't be avoided, for example: death of an aging parent, being a care-giver, career pressures, menopause, etc. Adding to any of these life stressors, familial estrangement may be a tipping point that causes serious illness, but those stressors are enough in themselves. 

Stress can change the structure of the heart and result in widow maker heart attacks. (For more information see the link below.) There have been numerous studies that conclude that stress causes immune suppression, heart damage, other illnesses, and being prone to accidents (brain fog). Common stress related diseases include:

• Immune Suppression
• High blood pressure and heart disease
• Asthma
• Obesity
• Diabetes
• Headaches
• Depression and anxiety
• Gastrointestinal problems
• Alzheimer's disease
  

This is just a short list, not inclusive to all illnesses that are caused by stress.

Since researchers have discovered that psychological stress is correlated with the suppression of cell-mediated immunity, explaining why viral infections are more prevalent during periods of prolonged stress, please know that it's not in your head. This is real and medically researched. This is super problematic considering we are still in a pandemic and we're trying to avoid a potentially life-threatening virus.

Psychologically prolonged trauma, which is what the silence creates, also causes CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). CPTSD is a complex topic that I will visit in another post. 

It's all a perfect storm in the destruction of a person.

Healing

If you are someone who is still carrying the remnants of unresolved issues that was denied expression by the silent treatment, do your best to move the unresolved. If you can't do it because you are silenced by the aggressor, do it with a therapist or a trusted person in your life. Don't let someone else's silence imprison you in a museum of old pain. Express it fully, move on through it, and then move on. Your life depends on it. Heal and regain your health.

Self-Care

Find activities that you enjoy to distract you from the silence. I know that it's easier said than done since the estranged are often on our minds. Here are some suggestions that may help:

• Try physical exercise if you are able, even taking short walks can help. I like to plug in my headphones to an Audible book or listen to music as I walk. I also like to take walks with my disabled husband. It's good for both of us.
• Try meditation and/or spiritual practice. I do meditation and spa music while I shower or take a bath. Sometimes I listen to meditation or EMDR music while I work or do other activities. I also periodically pray. It is centering.
  
• Try yoga. I've missed seeing my yoga friends since the pandemic and now my work schedule, but I highly recommend yoga practice even solo. It helps reduce stress and builds health.
  
• Try connecting with others socially and through support groups. Since social gatherings are problematic due to the pandemic because of risk of exposure, I have done a few in person get-togethers but have limited pre-pandemic social activity because I'm in a high-risk household. We have done a few long weekends with friends who also are trying to stay safe. Online connections help. I've connected in several parent groups online. It helps to know you're not alone.
• Try gratitude. It's hard but it's worth the effort to find gratitude even in the smallest things. I am grateful for small niceties from others and to be in a job that allows me to help others all over the country. I am grateful for the No Contact because drama is no longer a part of my daily life. I am grateful for my non-estranged son and my step-sons. I am grateful for a loving and supportive spouse.
  
• Try practicing letting go. Letting go of what you can't change is a gift to yourself. I have found peace in letting go and knowing that things are the way they need to be, that their narrative is theirs whether it is true or not, it doesn't matter. I did a million things right but if their focus is on the handful of mistakes as their narrative, there is nothing I can do about it. I know my impact and have reached my goals in raising them with values and a good education. It is my job to let them go and hope that they find happiness and live a good life.
  

These self-care things may help along with eating well and getting good sleep. I find it's important to put myself on the top of my to-do list. For those out there reading this, have you experienced health issues due to estrangement and do you have additional suggestions for healing?

Helpful Links:

See my Resources page.

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/17857-broken-heart-syndrome