Contact

Footsteps echo in the memory of what might have been in an abstraction. Remaining is a perpetual possibility only in the world of speculation. What might have been and what has been point to one end. Footsteps echo in the memory down the passage we did not take, towards the door never opened. Somehow, we are always at this moment, my daughters and I.

The sheer hate that I heard in my estranged daughter's voice the last time she called me on February 9, 2021 will forever stop me from contacting either of my estranged daughters again. My soul would never survive. There is something about that sort of ugly coming from a person we as mothers pushed out of our bodies that will forever scar us. That's my opinion. When I think about contacting, sending a letter or acknowledging a milestone, I think of that call. And then it's a big NOPE. My boundary is a big NO to abuse.

It isn't one bad thing that kills a person. It's the accumulation of pain and loss. Sometimes I wonder how much one soul can take. I continue to learn how strong I am.

A very level-headed family member (who knows how much I love my estranged daughters along with all the rest of my children) said to me, "you can't go anywhere you aren't wanted," and he meant a relationship with them. The closed door of their homes is just as symbolic. He's right. It's CLEAR that I am not valued, needed, or wanted. I'm not a teenager stalking my boyfriend. I'm an adult who has been discarded. I decided to take my small amount of dignity and my abundance of love, and spend it elsewhere. But if I thought showing up at their doors would work, I would probably do it, regardless of what my sanity tells me. 

This is the complexity of estrangement.

Today I focus on myself and the family that remains, my husband, my non-estranged son, my step-sons, and my friends. These are the people who I share mutual love, respect, and kindness with. I am grateful for every one of them. I live in peace. Happy Easter and good vibes into the universe.

#estrangement #holidays #selfcare #silence #nocontact #easter2022