Thoughts the day after Mother's Day

Question: Do you feel that you're getting what you deserve?

Sometime I think I wasn't a great mom. I lost my temper sometimes and sometimes my priorities weren't always right. I have apologized and admitted my failures, but maybe too little too late. I still, when I allow myself, dream of reconciliation even though I am mostly in an acceptance space and largely believe that estrangement is permanent.

I have to remember when I am self criticizing to include the whole situation.

My narrative is that everything I did was for them. That was not always true. I am a person, a fallible person, with wants and needs as well. I grieved long and hard over my divorce. I had a partner for several years that my kids didn't gel with. (I ultimately chose my kids over him.) I had an ex that I was not over and there was unhealthy enmeshment.

I was a single mother sometimes holding down 2 jobs and sometimes scraping by surviving on unemployment and child support a couple of times. I struggled with a career because I had been a stay at home mom. So, it was not easy to support my children. And, it was unavoidable for them to not know. I was the no person because I had no disposable income for extra fun stuff, while my ex was the yes person because he could. I worried all the time during those years. And I knew that during those years I was not the mom that I dreamed of being to them because of that worry.

When I spoke of my mothering I focused on all the good - living in the best school district I could afford, volunteering at their schools, being a room mother and chaperone, supporting extra curricular activities, always being there whenever possible. I had a strong sense of duty and morality that I tried to lead by example.

I failed. I didn't abuse them. I didn't neglect them. But I failed because I am human. I failed because they do not like or love me. I failed because perfection is an impossible standard.

I had a mom that lost her temper, used the silent treatment as punishment on my siblings and me, and was exhausted after having 11 babies before me. I still made sure I acknowledged her on holidays and I forgave her for her shortcomings. Once I had kids I realized how hard motherhood is and my respect for her grew.

When my oldest daughter left, my youngest told me that when someone says or does something you don't like, you don't have to deal with them, including your parents. I believe they learned this online. It seems that this is the mission statement of so many of the younger generation now.

I have to remind myself that being cancelled as a parent, estrangement, is about who they are, and not who I am. Most days I own that but some days I torture myself and continue to live in the past, as if I could change anything.

I read somewhere that the "joy is the absence of torment" and this rings true for me. Our task as parents of estranged children is separating ourselves from that torment. Forgive yourself. We are not in control of the relationship anymore. Send them love and light. Estrangement doesn't really solve anything for them... or us.

The worries are gone since they are grown but so are they.