The Shark Infested Waters of Apologies

Feeling a little anthropological about estrangement topics...  A topic of frequent discussion among parents is the unwavering universality of demanding apologies. Of course sometimes apologies are warranted and I have personally given them if not in real time but as close to real time as possible. Being coerced into contrived apologies for made up things and things other people are responsible for, is another. If you comply you're going to feel like garbage, from experience. Besides, it's never enough and honestly really not warranted for the most part. But, if you did do something to apologize for, just do it. If not, that's another thing.

We are expected to to apologize for being human, for doing the best we could, and for imaginary infractions. We are expected to give a solution for all of the transgressions our estranged children did because they were young and dumb. We accept that and move on, yet our estranged children want to continuously beat us down over things we did that they don't agree with in the course of their life based on them not knowing or accepting the facts.

I'm sorry but I don't feel I need to apologize for pulling us through a myriad of potholes on the highway of life. The 'Great Silence' is all I get anyway. But I'd really like the answer to what is enough. Beyond that I am done. I haven't heard a word from my two estranged kids in nearly four years sans a screaming phone call from one about a birthday gift I sent for her 25th birthday. I'm just over it.

 

That leaves me with gratitude for my oldest, whom I'm not estranged from. I recently apologized to my oldest in an organic way for something from long ago about a choice that I made that impacted their life. It was in casual conversation and without forethought. It was mutually given and received well. Isn't that the way it should be?

Someone well meaning, but clueless about estrangement, some time ago asked me if I have apologized to them (well... yes I did in one of those forced conversations four years ago). Well I did but I was left with disgust afterward. I replied to that question "For what? Being human and not being perfect? I don't owe another apology. I was a good mother and I know it." It took me a long time of feeling hurt and false shame to remember that I was a good mother. The self torture that we put ourselves through as parents has to stop. I had to remember the million things I did right rather than a handful of accusations, some true / some not, that mostly came from a selfish place.

I can't even imagine demanding an apology from my mother, and my childhood was definitely no picnic. When I confronted her at 19 about her failings we had a falling out and estrangement lasting about two years, I did not stop loving or respecting her. And I can say with an honest heart that she was loving to me in so many ways, even in my emerging adulthood and finding myself... even as I was walking around angry and judgemental most of the time. 

 

I really wish my mom was still alive. I talked with her at length about the difficulty of parenting my two youngest daughters. She gave me some great advice. Unfortunately it wasn't enough to stop the estrangement of them right after she died. But it did soothe me, putting into perspective what was at play. Apologies went between us both ways starting in my late twenties to early thirties with her. I am so glad that I had made peace with her and had a good relationship with her for twenty years before she died. I would be surprised if that would happen between my estranged daughters and myself. I just don't see it.