Living Beyond Survival Mode

Survival Mode Reminder

I saw an apt meme on social media that I saved and I'm sharing it here as a reminder for what it was like living in survival mode for so many years; and, to say that there is hope to live beyond that subsistence level.

I know it is hard, for as much pain as grief and loss causes, it is familiar and it's easy to get stuck in the familiar. I wrapped myself in the painful memories, which prevented me from having a life. I clung to my role as a mother and previous role as wife. I couldn't let go and that impacted everything.

I stayed in a place of self flagellation way too long, always trying to just provide for my daughters but sacrificing myself. I stayed in the job I could get because it accommodated them although it barely paid anything and had no insurance for myself. We were in the worst job market in decades from 2007 to 2015. The job I got was grossly inadequate, but it worked for them, to not leave them alone, because my older daughter had a suicide attempt and could not be left alone so I had to turn down a couple of better job opportunities that came that year, one from where I work now. It was always up to me to do the sacrifices, even post divorce. I did what I did for them.

Life in a holding pattern, living in survival mode is a place of being stuck.

Discussions with Mom

From 2007 when I separated to 2018 when she died, I had good support from many conversations with my mom that helped. She offered for me and the girls to stay with her, which I had to decline. She told me to do what I had to do to survive and to provide for the girls the best way that I could. I did. She said there will be times when there are no good options so you just have to pick the one that you think is the least worst. She was right. I listened and provided for them is what drove me through that decade.

A few years in, my mother told me that it's okay to wear nice clothes and do nice things for myself, because I didn't get things for myself and I rarely did things without kids. She was right, although I couldn't hear it. She also told me multiple times that I needed to build a life for myself. She said that I may not realize it at the time, but those girls will grow up and go away and have their own lives and that I would be left alone. She was gentle about it but I couldn't hear it the first time that she told me that. All I could think is that I had to do the right thing and bring them up as perfectly as I could. It's easy to see that with stark clarity in hindsight that she was right.

I miss those nuggets she would sometimes dispense.

What it took to get free

hindsight...

Life was hard in a holding pattern. I had to forego my own health care and a of social life. And, I had to rely on the manipulative benevolence of my ex. I worked two jobs for a stretch. I went to school. I did every activity I could think of to make things better for myself and them. I had a boyfriend, despite his faults helped, taking them to activities when I couldn't. A decade of living in a holding pattern takes its toll. By the fall of 2017 I was struggling with under employment and a stretch of unemployment, and my youngest asked to spend her senior year with her father to get to know him more before she went off to college. In 2015 I got a great contract job that ran for 18 months. At the end of the contract I did another one for a different company that lasted 4 months. Then I ended up on unemployment until the end of 2017 when I got a call to come back for a permanent job in 2018. And, I had inciting events the events that occurred that fall, winter, and the following spring. Up to that point I had not made a single choice that was simply for myself.

I understand that I can't tell them, my daughters, about the depth of the difficulties because it may possibly cause them to feel guilty. The context of what they didn't know makes no difference to the 'Great Silence' anyway.

my moment of clarity...

I know I couldn't be there for them in the way that I wanted to be. I dreamt of so much more for their childhoods. It saddens me when I think about it. I've had to let go of second guessing and beating myself up though. Others have done that more than enough but not as much as I did to myself though. And, I can't change anything anyway, nor would I want to because everything from before lead to where I am now. Even though they are not in my life now, I loved them and smile at the thousands of memories of joy and love.

While I was living in that holding pattern, I could not heal. I feel bad about that for my daughters. The ex made sure of that with the push/pull that was going on between us in both directions. But then the pivotal moment happened the day after a nostalgic afternoon followed by dinner. It was reminiscent of when it first started, with a conversation. During a following flaky phone call the light bulb went off. And then, just like that, I was done. It was all completely clear and I was at peace. Resolute.

My mother died just before that. My daughters graduated high school and college. I was not someone's daughter anymore. I was not someone's wife anymore. I was not raising kids anymore. And, I decided I was not someone's girlfriend anymore. I was just me.

Life had cleared away. I was free. I bought and made a home for myself. I moved though grief and loss, navigating a new job, a new home, and a new life. I listened, mom.

Beyond survival mode...

Without the stress of the final years of marriage, post marriage, and of my younger two daughters adolescence, I am free. I hope that anyone else who as lived through similar finds a path of peace as I have.

For me it started in 2015 and then accelerated in 2017. By 2018 I was amidst a massive year of endings and beginnings, of growth, change, and milestones. It was everything clearing out to make way for the future. I did the work and continue to do so. It had all come so slowly, but at the same time so fast. I focused on myself to recover and re-discover me... a person filled with principle, integrity, and honesty. I'm back. My whole centered self is back.

When everything cleared away, that's when life opened and when the universe sent me exactly what I needed - single life, real friends,  and then real love. I will never let anyone steal my peace, or make me question my character or integrity again. I know my heart. Now in 2022, that is evidenced by the people around me - family, chosen family, friends, satisfying work and travel whenever I can. 💗

Do I miss the youngest two? Well, sometimes yes, and that's okay. They have their paths and I have mine. I am still their mom. They have the foundation and education through hard work, which was my goal for them when I became a parent. It's up to them what they do with it.

Do I still face challenges? Yes, just like anyone else. Life happens. The difference is in my life today is that I am loved and respected and I have a life filled with the abundance of what matters.