On Owning Apologies & Choices

Caveat before delving in... 

If you know you owe an apology, give it if you can. Most of us know when we mess up throughout our lives and apologize / rectify in real time or soon after. It's never easy but it makes life easier. Just do it. If you are no contact, don't attempt giving one - it will backfire because you are not respecting boundaries. Be authentic: only give an apology if you truly believe you are accountable for wrong-doing.

 

On owning apologies and choices...

It's important to understand that you, the parent, cannot apologize to them, the adult children, for their interpretation of childhood events or memories. They belong to them and accuracy does not matter. It's also important to remember that their memories were viewed from a child's egocentric perspective, immaturity, and lack of adult rationale. As adults we and our children create the narrative of our lives. Have you noticed how narrative changes over time? This is why journals throughout my life has been valuable in remembering how things were at a specific point on my journey. We all see things through the lens of where we are in our current timeline and as we know memories may not be accurate, even when reviewing primary sources. We only see things from our own point of view.

 

I know that many of us given the chance would fall on that sword of giving an inauthentic apology in hope of healing the relationship with our children. But, from the hundreds of parents that I've come across in navigating estrangement there is one obvious recurring theme related to this. It never breeches the divide with movement toward reconciliation and often makes things worse. Also, the goalpost will be moved.

 

The decisions and choices they made/make as an adult are theirs alone. They need to own them.We stopped having influence when they became adults. There is nothing we can do if they blame us for their circumstances whether it's valid or not.

 

Your self flagellation does not help you or them. It crushes me when I know I have made a mistake and I have to remind myself that I am human. It's my job to take care of myself.

 

Parents are entitled to live a life of happiness surround by loved ones. It's important to not care about what anyone else thinks. It's your life. Live it in a way that brings you peace and joy.

 

A cautionary example of not protecting yourself...

I heard of someone who is terrified of speaking up to her children. She is 62. Her adult children demanded access to her social media a few years ago when she was 58. She was told she was incapable of making sound political choices since hers were polar opposite of theirs. They now dictate who she can have as friends on social media, who she can follow, etc. And, she does not dare oppose them because they made it perfectly clear they would cut her off. 

 

The daughter-in-law required she take a parenting class before she was allowed to care for her grandchild. This person raised three children and had an in-home daycare for 45 years. The daughter-in-law also required a brand new bed for the child and it's not to be used for her childcare kids. 

 

This woman is held hostage by her adult children. They are also bleeding her dry financially. She is terrified because she has seen what her friend who has been estranged has been through. So she participates in her own abuse from her adult children.

As much as we may want them in our lives and miss them, sometimes it's better to be without them. As for differences in political issues and opinions, we all have opinions and can agree to disagree.

Final thoughts...

Yes, I know this is hard. I am living it. What I'm getting at is that conciliatory and re-conciliatory attempts are useless and in the majority of cases will be harmful to you. That's where I'm at today.