On Understanding Trauma Bonds...

For years I've tried to understand the connection that I had with my ex. What was that pull that kept us together after I stopped getting my needs met in the early years. I thought it was being soulmates transcending lifetimes in days past, that it was kismet, that we were destined to be together through any trials. I know that sounds like bullshit but that was the best I came up with at the time. 

I have gained a different insight over the past few years that does not denigrate or ignore the parts that were positive to focus on the negative but to understand what happened. There were early good years that I hung onto and I've developed a greater understanding of it all. 

To understand it, first there needs to be an understanding of trauma bonds.

An explanation of trauma bonds...

We miss our abusers so much because our brain chemistry is actually changed with the abuse cycle. We get addicted to the chemicals they create in our bodies. In the beginning, the dopamine, the oxytocin. Then the abuse... the cortisol. Then they sprinkle us with a little dopamine and oxytocin... the bread crumbing. Then a big blow up... more cortisol, more stress hormones. And then, right back in to the love bomb and the cycle loops. [Caught in a trap, literally.]

So what we have going on here is cognitive dissonance where we have two or more conflicting ideas / experiences in the same mind. You know that they are your abuser. You know that you don't want to see them again, but you can't not. You feel like you're going to die if you don't have them in your life. And, you feel like you will die with them in your life. You can't leave. You can't stay. You have opposing ideas in the same mind.

Then there is Euphoric Recall... missing the good times, missing that person they created. It wasn't real. You loved the person they made you think they were. More often than not you are just loving yourself because what they had done was mirror you. They mimic things that you taught them that you love. And then you become a shell of yourself. [This was a biggie for me that kept me on the loop.]

And, who do we turn to when we are feeling horrible, when we are having horrible feelings? We turn to our abuser. That is because our brain chemistry has switched. [It felt like he was the only person I could rely on. I had become an isolated shell. Thus the poor choices that I'm accountable for in staying.]

My experience...

When I met D I was 25 and in a good centered place. I had left a starter marriage that I began at 18 that shouldn't have happened a year and a half earlier. I had matured and grown. I was confident, competent, and outgoing. I had a good corporate job and made more money than D did. I had done a lot of work on myself in therapy from a difficult childhood and transition into adulthood. I had done the work. I wonder at this point that if I had my dad during those formative teens and early 20s if any of that would have happened.

That was all stripped away over time. It became a one-way street with me giving all the emotional support and him doing all the taking. Over time I became depleted. My health suffered physically and mentally.

As an intelligent woman this is the hardest part. Thinking empathy and fighting for the relationship was the right thing... and even when you wake up and choose to help them leave and choose you, you then feel absolutely stripped of everything and although you have escaped it, you haven't.

After I left the abusive relationship years ago, it took me years to start living again. I was angry, bitter, and wanted an apology or an acknowledgement of wrong doing. I finally woke up one day and had to ask myself how much longer am I going to allow this man to hurt me. He was no longer in my life but I was holding him hostage in my heart and allowing him to keep causing me pain. I finally said no more. I also had to forgive myself and cut ties with that version of myself that allowed that shit to continue for as long as it did.

The chemical dump when I thought of the past and present caused sleeplessness, brain fog, no motivation, physical pain, illness etc.

It's the hardest thing to get out of... it's a true addiction... when my health was compromised it finally gave me the strength to change. He thinks he left me, but I left him before he was even out of the house. But I was tortured and stuck in that cycle for eight years post divorce. I was stuck in cycles of euphoric recall and controlling manipulation. It was like coming off a hard drug with physical withdrawal symptoms.

Addressing the failure of trusted professionals...

What confounds me is that over the course of my relationship with D we saw several therapists together, which all failed. Each of them operated out of their particular modality but did not recognize the severity of his mental health issues at play. Not one of them identified the severity of D's problems until we attended a Marriage Builders workshop and had follow-up therapy.

Dr. Willard Harley was the only one that called me personally and directed me to get away from D to save myself and the kids. He said that I needed to get a job paying at least $20/hr and start preparing to leave him. I was a stay at home mom at the time. Dr. Harley told me that D's mental health would continue to deteriorate over time and that he would eventually no longer be able to mask it at work, that he had the propensity to harm not only himself but me and the children as well. Dr. Harley thought that the only reason that D was still employed at that point was because of his many years of service and familiarity with all systems so that he could manipulate them.

If you've read anything about Dr. Willard Harley or his works or listened to his or his wife's podcasts, you know that he only would suggest ending a marriage for the extreme cases. He's all about saving marriages. I very much respect his work to this day. 

I stayed for a while after the revelations of Dr. Harley. I was afraid and caught in the loop of trying to reach back to the good period. I was a classic abused wife.