For the Newly Estranged...

 

So, you are reeling in estrangement and don’t know what to do. You may be feeling grief stricken, lost, confused, and wondering why your children would do this to you. I totally get this. I too felt ashamed, sad, and angry. It’s been more than five years now living with estrangement with completely no contact for the last two years and a half years. For me, I had to come to a place of understanding that while I spent much of my life, 33 years to be exact, lovingly raising my children. I rarely took the opportunity to be anything else but a mother. My identity was so wrapped around being a mom and living my life day to day to please them, that I lost who I was. By the end I didn’t even know what my favorite color was.

I have three adult children that I would absolutely die for, regardless of the estrangement of the youngest two. Despite their lack of appreciation and acknowledgement of all the things I have done for them, I knew that I would never survive if I continued to clothe myself in sorrow. Don’t get me wrong, I still have occasional days where just getting out of bed feels too much. But I have learned how to take care of myself, so those days are rare. I went to counseling, joined estranged parent and grief groups, made new friends outside of that and built a new social life, built my career and have a solid loving husband after being single for a decade. I paint my nails and treat myself to extras at the salon. I know that if I didn’t do these things, I would still be wrapped up in the insanity of the lack of relationship with my estranged daughters. I can’t change them. I can’t make them want a relationship with me. What they do is out of my control. I can only control myself.

So, if you are facing estrangement, I encourage you to rediscover yourself. Sit deep in thought and imagine what you will make of the rest of your life. Then put on that dress, go to the gym, join a social group, go do YOU!! I promise you will find fulfillment in your life again. I make no promises that you still won’t hurt. All I can promise you is that it will get easier with time and how you choose to live the rest of your life. So even on days like today for me with a breast cancer diagnosis, I am in a hopeful place surrounded by peace, love, and understanding. Today I stand in grace and you can get there too.