what to do when estranged children respond negatively to contact

If you are a parent who has been estranged from your adult children, you may have tried to reach out to them and re-establish a relationship. However, sometimes your attempts may be met with rejection, hostility, or indifference. This can be very painful and frustrating, and you may wonder what you are doing wrong or what you can do differently.

In this blog post, we will explore some possible reasons why your estranged children may respond negatively to your contact, and some strategies that may help you cope and communicate more effectively.

Possible reasons for negative responses

There is no simple answer to why your estranged children may react negatively to your contact. Every situation is unique and complex, and there may be multiple factors involved. However, some common reasons may include:

• They are still hurt or angry about past events or issues that led to the estrangement. They may feel that you have not acknowledged, apologized, or changed your behavior regarding these issues.
• They have different expectations or boundaries than you regarding the frequency, mode, or content of communication. They may feel that you are contacting them too often, too rarely, or in inappropriate ways. They may also feel that you are not respecting their privacy or autonomy.
• They are dealing with their own personal or professional challenges, such as stress, depression, anxiety, relationship problems, or career transitions. They may not have the time, energy, or emotional capacity to deal with the additional stress of reconnecting with you.
• They have developed a different identity, lifestyle, or worldview than you, and they may feel that you do not accept, understand, or respect them for who they are. They may also fear that you will judge, criticize, or pressure them to change.
• They are influenced by other people in their lives, such as their spouse, partner, siblings, friends, or therapist. These people may have their own opinions or agendas regarding your relationship with your estranged children, and they may encourage or discourage them from contacting you.

Strategies for coping and communicating

While you cannot control how your estranged children respond to your contact, you can control how you cope and communicate with them. Here are some strategies that may help:

• Respect their wishes and boundaries. If they have explicitly told you not to contact them, or if they have blocked you on social media or phone, do not try to bypass their decision or force contact. This will only make them more resentful and defensive. Instead, let them know that you respect their choice and that you are available if they ever want to talk.
• Be patient and persistent. If they have not cut off contact completely, but are still distant or unresponsive, do not give up hope. Keep sending them occasional messages of love and support, without expecting anything in return. Let them know that you care about them and that you are interested in their lives. Be prepared to wait for a long time before they may be ready to open up to you.
• Be humble and honest. If there are unresolved issues or conflicts that led to the estrangement, be willing to acknowledge your role and responsibility in them. Apologize sincerely for any mistakes or hurtful actions that you have done in the past. Do not make excuses or blame them for the estrangement. Be honest about your feelings and needs, but also listen to theirs with empathy and compassion.
• Be flexible and open-minded. If there are differences in values, beliefs, or lifestyles between you and your estranged children, do not try to change them or impose your views on them. Accept them for who they are and celebrate their achievements and choices. Be open to learning from them and understanding their perspectives. Do not judge them or compare them to others.
• Seek professional help. If you are struggling with the emotional pain of estrangement, do not hesitate to seek professional help from a therapist or counselor who specializes in family issues. They can help you process your feelings, cope with stress, and improve your communication skills. They can also help you explore other ways of finding meaning and fulfillment in your life besides your relationship with your estranged children.

My response to my experience today

At this point, I'm choosing not to respond. No matter what I do or not do, not matter what I have done or not done, good or bad, they view with negativity. Both are lacking empathy and compassion towards me. They view me from a negative adolescent lens that was heavily influenced through parental manipulation from my ex, their peers, and the normal view of angst one has in that stage of life.

My crimes, you may ask, according to them is not respecting boundaries. What boundaries? Wanting to know about their lives and sharing with my friends. What did I want to know? Where they were going and who they were with. I didn't read their journals and I was willing to openly talk about anything that they wanted to talk about or ask me. I'm a GenX parent and advocated for them in a way that I was not advocated for. I was also a single parent for the majority of their lives so their dad could be the fun one and the ally against the the big bad authority of mom. I was stripped of everything financially in the divorce, so I had very few opportunities to give to them and enjoy with them what I would have like to. It's all water under the bridge now, but I am the scapegoated whipping boy in their lives. They hate me and love him because he could buy cars, pay for insurance, take them on trips, and give them anything they wanted. It took ten years post divorce to get on my feet again, but I did. And I am happy.

You may be wondering what I have done to prompt this post. Well, I recently sent an email about my diagnosis of breast cancer and told them that I don't expect or need a response, which was the first contact in years. I sent another email with the gist of it being that I am willing to meet them where they are. My motivation for contact was for them, not me. With my diagnosis and knowing that they have unresolved issues and that my health directly impacts their health potentially, I decided the right thing to do was to let them know. Because I am a loving parent, I wanted to give them the opportunity before my life is potentially shortened by cancer. So I did.

After getting through the grief from the loss of relationship with them, which took some time, for the past couple of years estrangement has been desensitized for me. Life went on. I'm not clamoring to instantly heal the rift because I have cancer. I am not desperate. At some point, if I make it through the cancer, I may entertain reconciliation in a healthy way. But I think that both of them need to mature. I am not sure that I really want reconciliation anymore, which I have felt for a while. I currently feel a revulsion about the idea. It has been so much more peaceful with the stress they produce for me. As much compassion that I have as a person, love I have as a mother, and grief I have been through over them, I am disappointed in them as people. I question their characters. And, I don't like them very much.

My estrangement started when they were both still adolescents and I have had very few interactions with them for about six years. Both of them spoke about boundaries. What neither of them understand is that it is a parent's job to know about and care about what is going on in their lives. I was still responsible for them at the time. Both of them put me through my paces during their adolescence. As much as I have had compassion, it's me that they lash out at, and I don't deserve it.

Adult children believe that once they are adults they are on the same level as you. I can see that logic. But, they are not and can never be. I bristled when I first heard this but let me further explain. I think that's the source of their frustration. As the parent, you are always further down the path and they can never catch up to you. They think they can view things from a lens they are not capable of yet. There is always an experience and generation gap.

I suppose that it takes being a parent to understand that your parents just want to know that you are okay and are will to help or not help as needed. Parents have boundaries, too. I don't think either of them understand that. I also don't think that they realize that I have healed from the trauma they perpetrated with estrangement back then and even if I did have any kind of relationship with them in the future, I would never trust or confide in either of them.

I am sorry that I asked my oldest to reach out to them about my diagnosis. They are both hateful. It caused undue stress on my oldest. I very much appreciate my oldest child's love and kindness.

I can say, thank God, that I am no longer responsible for them and their choices and have found estrangement to be a blessing from the constant stress both of them provided me. It's the gift of estrangement and time.

In my current life I have plenty of love and support from the people who care about me and will see me through on this journey.