Narcissist or Psychopath?
I recently watched a YouTube video that outlined the traits of a psychopath. I realized while watching it that my ex was checking off trait after trait. It's not that I didn't know there were narcissistic things going on there, but I would not have labeled him as a psychopath until seeing it laid out the way it was in the video.
Was I Broken or Just Naive?
I married a psychopath. He was a horrible person but I didn't know that for years because his mask of charm and generosity drew me in. When we separated and divorced, he tried to destroy everything that I loved... family, friendships, my reputation... everything! The goal was for me to be isolated and dependent and destroyed.
Some think that you have to be a broken person to begin with because it makes you more susceptible to manipulation. It's thought that a normal person recognizes their instincts and that a broken person has spent their whole life avoiding painful realities, which requires you to suppress your inner voice. A broken person relies on words of affirmation from others, which makes manipulation more effective. There's more to it, but that's the gist.
I don't see myself as broken when the relationship started even though I had some chaos I was dealing with I felt whole - solid in the eye of a storm that I knew I would weather my way through. I came into the relationship with naive hopefulness. But I did become broken over time. I think I developed a learned helplessness that often happens in these situations. But my inner resilience had me looking for a way out. I would have eventually made my way out, but he exited first realizing that he got everything he could from me, him being unable, incapable, or unwilling to meet my needs of respect, honesty, and real love. He spent years torturing me emotionally, abusing me physically and financially. Manipulating others that he was the hero in his generosity.
Signs from the video...
- They don't get nervous about lying.
- They don't get anxious about being found out.
- You won't detect a lie the way you would with a normal person.
- They don't mind scaring you if you get too close to speak the truth.
Wow, that video hit home. He was a self-acknowledged pathological liar, thief, and forger with a obsession with Dexter.
What I would tell my children
Fifteen years post-divorce, I'm healed but I'm still fixing the damage! He threatened me long after we were divorced and was still stalking me as recently as three years ago. Maybe more recently that I'm not aware of. He tried to destroy my ability to start over with a career and with someone else. Eventually with a light bulb moment eight years ago I was finally able to break free. So I would tell them:
Choose your partner carefully.
The more someone pushes you to do something right now, the more time you should take to evaluate it. This can't be repeated enough.
Sometimes psychopaths hide the obvious behaviors. They act humble instead of grandiose, even though underneath they feel they are the best of the best. They definitely feel they are better than you.
Remember, actions speak truths.
I would tell my children if they were not estranged and what I tell others - prioritize your healing and mental health. I have loved my children from their first breath, and I will love them until my last breath. I would tell them to learn to recognize instincts. And remember to not trust words. Actions speak the truth. Actions tell you everything. Anything that happens two or more times is a pattern. Don't wait for it to happen ten times.
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