And sometimes, life is just hard...

Gloria Vanderbilt witnessed her son's suicide and she could do nothing to stop it. I watched the documentary that her son, Anderson Cooper, made a while ago, right after it came out. The level of loss she endured was immense. I think of Anderson's loss as the only surviving member, now that she has passed too. His coping is an inspiration, as was his mother's achievements and resilience.

My loss is not through death but estrangement. So it feels like there may be hope in a hopeless situation. But there is also uncertainty. And, it feels like there is also a permanence to it even though it may not be. So there's no finality to it.

Facebook memories are the worst during the past two years. Like many people, part of my morning routine is checking Facebook. The memories are painful now. I see my children and myself in happy times that were not that long ago.

If one were to look back through my social media, it depicts happy, engaged, loving parents, (yes the ex is included in many of those), not a mean, neglectful parent, as my youngest has plastered on her Instagram about me. The ex told me about the Instagram posts which were devastating when I read them. That's how I figured out what was going on. I had no clue, which I learned is the experience many going through this. Scathing secretive social media posts followed by the implementation of 'no contact' without any dialogue.

I was blindsided by estrangement. I am coming to terms with it. Some days are better than others. Some days I am glad that I'm not dealing with the drama of my daughters. But, I miss them every day and grieve the loss. It's difficult to understand how someone who you cared and sacrificed for can become so vicious.

I am fortunate to have a loving husband, great friends who know when not to ask, and a support system of other parents going through the same thing, but it's still rough sometimes.

I understand this is a bigger social movement and that it is a silent epidemic. There is really no space to talk about it outside of a smattering of private social media groups without being judged. There is shame from others who have not gone through it, even therapists and clergy. They look at you like you have done something wrong.

While we are human and made mistakes, there seems to be a consensus of not being abusive, neglectful parents by any standards except the narcissist/toxic label given by the estranged offspring. I have a heart for those that were truly abused and I'm angered by those throwing incendiary words that are not true.

Here are the questions...
What is the definition of the perfection they were seeking? The bar constantly moves. There is no way to attain it in the present and no way to change the past. Previous generations did differentiation without harm, or so we like to think (maybe we did this to our parents too in our own way). Is that what this is for this generation? Will they return and try to amend the damage or will they continue estrangement permanently with vicious, slanderous remarks about us?

If you, dear reader, are going through this as well, you are not alone. My goal for blogging about it is to understand it, move past it, and get on with life. I am moving through the grief and accept the loss most days.