Tips for Contact - Parental Gray Rocking

Tips for Contact

If you are a parent who has been estranged from your adult children, you may feel a mix of emotions when they reach out to you. You may be happy, hopeful, anxious, or wary. You may wonder how to respond in a way that preserves your dignity and respects their boundaries and yours. Here are some tips to help you navigate this delicate situation.

The following are tips for parents if their estranged adult child reaches out from what I've gleaned from others over time from folks who have had successful reconciliations.

1.  Acknowledge their initiative.
• Whether they contact you by phone, email, or letter, let them know that you appreciate their effort to reconnect.
• Example: Say something like, "Thank you for reaching out to me. I'm glad to hear from you."
2. Express your feelings
• Be honest and respectful about how you feel, without blaming or criticizing them.
• Example: Say something like, "I've missed you a lot. I'm sorry for what happened between us."
• Don't over share. Be stoic. 
  
3. Listen to their perspective
• Try to understand their reasons for cutting off contact, and empathize with their pain.
• Don't interrupt, argue, or defend yourself.
• This is fucking hard to do. Does anyone in their right mind not feel compelled to defend themselves when they're being accused and attacked?
• Just listen and acknowledge their feelings. You can keep in mind that feelings are not facts and what they are saying is their reality whether we see things differently.
• It used to grate the hell out of me when my mom told me that I remembered something wrong. Oh the irony. It took me until nearly today years old to realize that I was probably remembering wrong because I was seeing through a child's eyes.
• But, my memories of events good and bad had a huge impact on me.
• Example: Say something like, "I hear you. I can see how that hurt you." 
• Remember, if it gets too much and turns abusive towards you, you CAN walk away. 
• Also, it doesn't matter if their memory is correct to how you remember events. It just doesn't matter them.
  
4. Apologize, if needed
• If you have done something wrong, admit it and apologize sincerely. Don't make excuses or justify your actions. Just say that you are sorry and that you want to make amends.
• Example: Say something like, "I'm sorry for what I did. I was wrong and I regret it."
5. Rebuild trust gradually
• Don't expect to resume your relationship as if nothing happened. Be patient and respectful of their pace and preferences.
• Don't pressure them to meet, talk, or share details of their lives.
• Let them set the boundaries and follow them.
• Remember that you can have boundaries too. You don't have to be a whipping post.
• Be careful for asks on your time, your home, and/or your money.
  
• Example: Say something like, "I respect your wishes. I'm here for you whenever you are ready."
  

I have no idea if these tips work, I've been estranged for six years and an attempt has not been made by them in my case. This is just my impression of things from others on both sides of estrangement that seem like a good ideas. 

I like the idea of being prepared if I am at some point approached by them.

I'm personally ambivalent about estrangement at this point. But, they seem like good ideas. And, I like the idea of being prepared. I think of it as a sort of parent "gray rocking."

Parental Gray Rocking

For those who don't know... gray rocking is a useful tool / tactic people may use to deal with abusive or manipulative behavior. It involves becoming as uninteresting and un-engaged as possible so that the other person loses interest in harmful behavior. Some people anecdotally report that it reduces conflict and abuse. Tactics include limiting emotional responses, avoiding eye contact, and removing yourself from situations whenever it's possible to do so.

For parents, creating an emotional buffer between yourself and what can be lashing out whether deserved or not.