Between Boundaries and Silence: Navigating the Complexities of Parental Estrangement

 I have been on both sides of parental estrangement. I'm in groups on Facebook and Reddit on both sides. I mostly lurk, sometimes contribute, and sometimes glean interesting information, ideas, and opinions. They are a bit of an echo chamber and for the most part encourage negative thinking towards the "other" side. But sometimes interesting conversations happen that give me rise to write anonymously here on my blog.

I am a love will find a way kind of person even though I'm real enough to know that life doesn't work out like that oftentimes.

Anyway, an OP (original poster) in a children of toxic parents group asked for feedback. They asked whether they should notify their parents where they are moving to or tell them nothing.

Well, it depends...

It depends on whether you want to set boundaries, even stringent ones, or if you want to punish them. Not letting your parents know where you are is the most brutal form of punishment.

If you really want to punish them, then don't tell them. They will go heartbroken crazy without knowing where you are. They will spend almost every waking moment in a hell they cannot fix. It will be worse than if you died. Being somewhere out there or over there but being nowhere is something the human mind has lots of problems with and destroys the human heart. It creates ambiguous grief that destroys a person because there is no end in sight.

If the parents were as bad as someone who deserves to be in prison, then don't tell them. If they've been awful and you just need to keep them out of your life, use strong boundaries.

I see this from two angles. When I was in my twenties, I estranged my mom for about two and a half years. But she always knew where I lived and that I was okay, even though we did not have contact. I am currently estranged from my youngest two children. All of this is extremely hard and emotionally devastating. 

For some parents it disables them from living life and causes serious health issues. Fortunately, with the support I have had from people who have known me and them all my life and theirs, and the support from others that have faced this, that hasn't been the case for me. But I could have easily been pushed to take my own life through the worst of the despair. I am fortunate to have an innate resilience. I've watched parents die from broken heart syndrome and suicide and suffer from stress related illness. 

I have had stress related illnesses starting during the marriage to my ex-husband and through about ten years post-divorce because of forced contact, manipulation, and covert parental alienation. But my story is not the point of this post. And that's why I written about protecting oneself from stress when dealing with difficult challenges in life, like breast cancer and other stressors in previous posts.

I would say to adult children, ask yourself if this is the kind of harm you want to be responsible for.

In situations involving toxic family dynamics, the decision to share personal information such as a new address can be complex and deeply personal. It's important to prioritize personal safety and mental well-being. If communication with parents is potentially harmful, it may be prudent to limit the information shared. On the other hand, if there's a desire to maintain some form of a relationship, setting clear boundaries about communication and personal space might be beneficial. 

Ultimately, the individual must weigh the potential risks and benefits based on their unique circumstances and consider seeking guidance from a therapist, professional counselor, or support group. It's crucial to make a decision that feels right for one's own peace of mind and safety.

I know it is not the popular opinion in groups that have an us versus them zeitgeist and as much as our current world has for that matter. I like to think as one evolves through life maturity through experience will allow one to see others in a gentler light and perhaps one will have the ability to extend that person grace. That happened for me with my own mom. I'm grateful that I had the good years with her and that I allowed her to be a grandmother to my children. I miss her dearly now that she's gone.

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