Another Look at GenX Parenting of Millennials & GenZ

The transgenerational nature of parenting has this older GenX parent thinking about my Millennial and Gen-Z children. Where did I miss the mark?

I feel that I gave everything I had and did a really good job making sure my children knew that I loved them and was always available to them. I am one to love fiercely and be loyal and giving to a fault, but I realize in hindsight that some of my fierce love and loyalty was a trauma response trying to make up for deficits from my own childhood where I lacked protection from an abusive stepfather and my own perfectionism as an adult.

I think that I projected that onto my children. I believed my role was to - anticipate all their perceived needs, late-night projects, gift giving, defending them, having their backs, etc. So... then if I did anything wrong or made any mistake or thought about my own needs... I was perceived as toxic.

I think those of us who grew up in abusive and/or neglectful homes thought we were breaking chains by giving our kids all we didn't have, when in reality we were neglecting ourselves and teaching our kids that we didn't matter.

To fix this, I needed to relax my old perception that my relationship with my children defines me and gives me purpose & value. All of my children are adults and the ones that are estranged are just two people in my life. It's okay to detach from that grief I developed from the trauma of being rejected from the role I put my whole self into.

In the early days of estrangement, I continued to deprive myself and pursued contact, trying to fix the relationship. This must have appeared as repulsively needy. I didn't realize that in my broken-hearted state at the time.

With time, I realized that I could detach from that desperate bond and give myself all that I wanted to give to them. I learned to shift focus from them to myself. It was long overdue. I began using my resources I would have absolutely used on them for myself, but I hadn't put it all together until now.

From the victim blaming archives (sarcasm intended), "we teach people how to treat us." It's a revolting quote for those who have been abused because its victim blaming that whatever happens to you is your own fault, which alleviates all responsibility and accountability from others. That's not good for the constantly self-questioning and self-flagellating types like me. But I've flipped the script on a hard truth that in these past few years of giving to myself and protecting myself. I stopped being a doormat. I found who are my real people - the ones who show up in kind when it really matters. I know my value from within and my value to others. I know that I am loved.

When I was diagnosed with cancer after years of estrangement, it was still important to me that they know before I put it out on social media. That was me still caring for them - I wanted them to know but I didn't want them to come back. The past 18 months have been about pulling on all my strength and resilience with positive support loving support. That's not been my relationship with them through their rocky adolescences and silences and rages. 

I'm an idealist and a dreamer, a bit jaded and world weary, but still carry hope. I know my mom tried to give me the best of herself as I did for my children. By the time she passed I knew she had given me enough. I worry that they will not be as resilient as I have been in my life with the devastating blows I've had to deal with because I stepped in too much and gave too much in their formative years. But it's been out of my hands and I'm good with that. They will learn for themselves with trial and error. And I know that I am still that voice in their head that says put on layers, it's cold outside.