The Harrowing Nature of Wedding Invites

 So... I really need to get something off my chest. I've been dealing with anxiety with the knowledge that my soon to be daughter-in-law and stepson wanted to invite my adult children to their upcoming wedding next month. I've known this for months before the invitation went out. And there was a glimpse in me of what could possibly happen if they actually came to the wedding. I was trying to frame it and own it in a positive way. But I knew. I knew there was no chance in hell that would happen and on the off chance that it would that it was a recipe for disaster. The kids have also invited other estranged family members on the other side. Thankfully, not my monkeys - not my circus. 

I get it. It comes from a good place. My stepson really wants the entire family there. It is just not possible. 

I thought my oldest might come with my granddaughter, and I was happy with that, until the spat that I had with them this past spring. I'm told that they will be out of the country. Okay. I gave up chasing people for years now. The mantle of family planner has passed. If you want to come, great. If you don't want to come, great. My brother, who I very much wanted to come, said he can't. Okay. My sister, brother-in-law, niece, and her husband will be there. That fills my heart.

My husband, with intent on sparing whatever vitriol may happen, made the decision to reach out to the two who had not rsvp'd instead of leaving it to the bride and groom, since they need the final head count. 

The phone call to my middle child's husband was just for a simple request - rsvp, please. Instead the son-in-law pretended he had the wrong number in a weird way. I'm glad I didn't have to listen to the stupidity. I wanted no part of it, thus the mega anxiety.

Thank you, youngest, for following protocol, if you happen to ever come across this. 

I felt relief when my youngest rsvp'd to them that they could not attend. Great! This upcoming event is not the place or time that I wanted to cross paths for the first time in seven years. And, I'm not holding my breath or hold out any hope on reconciliation. I don't entertain the thought because it brings me anxiety. Thank you for realizing that although their intentions came from the best place from them, that it would not be appropriate.

I have explained the estrangement to my new daughter-in-law, daughter of my heart before the invitations went out. 

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For my readers...

There's a history of patronizing, dismissive, rebellious, adolescent behavior when they were 17 and 23, with the normal for the age observation that I just didn't "get it." They liked to pick at and pathologize me. The judgements were harsh. Typical behavior given the circumstances.

I imagine that they've grown in other areas of their lives in the past seven years, into the adults that I'd hoped that I was raising. But my relationship with them is back there.

Thirty-three years of fully dedicated, active parenting, where I questioned every choice I made to give them a good future. I would listen, empathize, guide, and sometimes push. It was up to me to hold them accountable and encourage their dreams - not an easy task through adolescence. Their hurts grieved my heart. Their triumphs brought me joy.

As their primary parent, I know that I was a good parent but even good parents can be blind to what they as individuals feel they wanted / needed from me. It's hard to be held to impossible standards. I hope that each of them will have satisfying, good lives.

I started writing this blog about three and a half / four years into the estrangement. Read the journey in the archives. I felt immense grief and isolation when I started.

I was diagnosed with cancer two years ago and it has given me an interesting perspective. I quickly learned who I am important to and who I am not. It is good to know who your people are. I have people in my life - family and friends - that I love and that love me dearly. 

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Until I was fifty, everything was about my children. My mother kept trying to tell me to build a life for myself, but I couldn't do that because I was focused on their needs first.

This is where estrangement has been a gift. The machinations to destroy me by a divorce that I did not want that came with complete financial ruin and emotional manipulations that taught my children to not respect me and through times that I did not respect myself with my ex, (life is messy), was actually a gift.

To my ex, I would now say, thank you for destroying my life and our family. The life that I've had these past eight years is amazing, even with being diagnosed with cancer at fifty-five two years ago. And, I know what you did. I found evidence in a box of yours two years ago that you left behind. Out of all the shit, I would never have believed it of you.

To my kids, I wish that you wouldn't have had to go through the divorce of your parents. I wish you hadn't suffered from your parents' human mistakes. If I could have avoided it, I would have at least until you were grown. But, I hope that you can some how come to terms that it's better this way.

I don't need your hate, your vitriol, your shame, your blame, if that is where you're still living in relation to me. I gave you the best me and maybe a handful of times the worst. I hope that someday you will have the grace for yourselves to understand the complexities of the why's. I gave you in real time as best as I could back them, hear it again, I'm sorry for my failings. The last thing I ever wanted in the world was for you to hurt because of me, or anyone else for that matter.

I also need you all to know that I grieved terribly hard for each of you before coming to acceptance of this is the way things are. And then I had to let go and heal. It took a lot to grieve living children. The ambiguous grief was killing me.

And the truth is that I don't want you at the wedding, never did. The day is not about any of you, or me. I am the bonus mom to a man who's mother passed nine years ago. This is his and his bride's day. But I get where their hearts are coming from - the very best place. Your step-siblings love and are grateful for me and are curious about you all.

Peace be with you where ever you are and your journey takes you.

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