The Silent Ache: Reflections of an Estranged Parent

Finding Peace in the Midst of Unanswered Questions

At the beginning of my estrangement, I didn't even know I was estranged - I was duped. Then I was confused. Then I was angry. And then bereft. That was in 2017 and 2018. It took time to heal and find peace.

I needed time to heal from years of ambiguous grief. I only found peace with distance where I could more clearly see the why of it all. I languished in self-flagellation and pain wondering what I did wrong. Did I not show enough love as a parent? The uncertainty gnawed at me, an endless loop of self-doubt and regret.

When answers finally came, it was simple - and heartbreakingly selfish. But somehow, that truth brought me clarity. It helped me understand that I hadn't failed, that I did the best I could under the circumstances. Could I have done better? Of course. Would I take back some actions if I could? Absolutely. But in the end, the decision to cut off me and my side of the family was theirs, not mine. And that allows me to rest.

From the heading on below is from a fellow estranged parent, lightly edited, and aptly explains the journey that I've written about on this blog over the past five and a half years from my personal experience, and lived over the past eight years. On the edge of suicide more than once over this and psychological, financial, and physical abuse I endured from their father until complete no contact (as many estranged parents experience, I've known several that have died over the past eight years), but I am still here.

I figured out what is mine to carry and to let go of the rest. And with healing, I have found that I am much happier in empty nest life surrounded by people who love me and don't constantly pick me apart - people who are grateful for what I give to them, and I am grateful for what they give back. I raised my children well and taught them to fly. Now it is my time to be free as well. Getting to here was not easy, life beyond survival mode took work.

For those still in the quagmire, my heart goes out to you.

The Silent Ache

There are few heartbreaks as quiet and as enduring as the estrangement between a parent and a child. It is a loss that rarely receives rituals, condolences, or understanding from the world — a grief that lives behind closed doors.

Being an estranged parent means waking up each day to a presence that is absent. The world moves on, but inside, time slows around the empty chair at the table, the unanswered messages, the birthdays remembered but unshared. Small moments—a favorite meal, a song on the radio, a memory triggered—remind us of what was and what might have been.

A Journey that Began with Love

For many of us, the story began with love — deep, clumsy, human love. We tried, we stumbled, we did our best with what we knew. But somewhere along the way, words hardened, trust frayed, or wounds unhealed from generations past echoed into the next. Estrangement doesn’t just occur overnight; it’s the result of countless moments, some loud, most quiet, building up like grains of sand.

Identity and Shame

Estrangement is not just about separation; it is about identity. Who am I if my child no longer wants me in their life? The question cuts deep, unsettling every role we once held dear. Shame often follows, a quiet whisper that says, you must have failed. It takes courage to face that voice, to stand in front of the mirror and ask, “Did I do enough? Was my love enough?”

Grace Found in Stillness

And yet, beneath the pain, there is a strange kind of grace. In the stillness of absence, we are invited to face ourselves—to see the old patterns, the inherited pain, the moments we wish we could rewrite. Healing doesn’t come from forcing reunion, but from softening toward our own humanity and that of our child.

Forgiveness—of them, of ourselves—is not a single act but a slow unfolding. It begins when we stop trying to fix what’s broken and instead hold it with compassion. Sometimes, reconciliation happens. Sometimes it doesn’t. But peace is still possible.

Living with Love and Loss

To be an estranged parent is to live with both love and loss at once—to keep the heart open even when it has been shattered. It is to stand in the mystery of love that no silence can truly erase. In accepting the truth, even when it hurts, we find clarity. And in that clarity, there is room for peace.

If you find yourself walking this quiet road, know you are not alone. Your journey, your questions, your ache, and your hope—they matter. Even in silence, love endures.

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