The Truth About Parents: They Are Flawed People (And So Are You)

Back in 2013 I wrote a long-ish post on one of my social media accounts that I think is relevant for this
estrangement blog. 

Back then I was seeing posts and regularly hearing complaints from some people I knew about their parents. Some of them were focused on every negative thing in their lives as their parent's fault, even though they were all adults and some well into middle age.

Having gone through my own angst with my mother through my teens and twenties, I had made peace with my mother's failings and had accepted her for who she was in my thirties. At the time of the writing of the post I had one grown son, my daughters were in their teens, and I was 45. I am grateful my 45 year old wisdom graced my 53 year old self today in finding this bit of writing. I hope all of you enjoy it.

Here's that post...

10 Oct 2013

Maybe others are just as tired as I am of hearing from certain people in our lives how their parents ruined their lives. You know who you are.

Isn't it great having parents? For your entire life you get these adoring, devoted followers who exist purely to shower you with adoration, approve of everything you do, and ensure you time on the planet is a luxurious romp filled with roses and chocolate-covered puppies. HA HA HA HA HA. Yeah, mine aren't like that either. The kicker is the relationship you have with your parents, whether it's through contact with them or silence is setting the stage for everything else in you life. Like it or not, what you think about the people who brought you into the world colors what you think about everyone else. And, if five minutes with them makes you want to cleave your forehead with a Morningstar, well chances are you have a few other relationships that continually suck. But no matter what brand of craziness your parents may have instilled in you, it's on you to un-instill it.

The Truth About Parents

Your parents are actual people. Your parents pooped in diapers, shoved grapes up their noses, got sent to the office for pinching someone in the 4th grade, guzzled stolen vodka and puked on a prom date, had sex in the back of a Subaru, cheated on a biochem exam, slept with someone they shouldn't have, bombed a job interview, fended off a too-friendly boss, got dumped in a parking lot. Yep, they experienced the whole spectrum of human emotions, had to deal with their own parents, and to top it all off, they procreated and kept on experiencing the spectrum but behind your back.

They are the only parents (and it's the only childhood) you're ever going to get. Yeah, let's face it - the "Parents You Wish You Had" are friggin awesome. Too bad they don't exist. The ones that do are flawed six ways from Sunday and will likely never change. They say the wrong thing and offer the wrong advice and have a limitless talent for making you feel like your life is a clogged septic tank. They brought a person (you) into the world and proceeded to stomp through your childhood leaving all sorts of emotional scars with absolutely no clue what they were doing, making every possible mistake and imprinting all sorts of evils on your vulnerable young mind. They spent your life acting life themselves, and you suffered for it. But no matter how much resentment you harbor, or overcompensating success you acquire, or ex-spouses (aka, parent substitutes) you leave in YOUR wake, you will never get to trade in your parents for new ones. Even if you refuse to speak to them, they will always have that genetic / behavioral thumbprint on you life. Your childhood will never change, and neither will the people who ruled it. 

So this leaves you with two options::

1. Thrash and curse your fate and spend your waking hours wishing things were different; or
2. Accept that you got dealt a set of flawed parents, and they're the only parents you're ever gonna get, so you may as well find some peace with them (and yourself). 

You'll have a lot more happiness (and so will everyone who talks to you) if you choose option 2. Whether you speak to your parents every day or once a year or never is none of my business - as long as you make peace with the fact that they are who they are, and they're yours, forever.

If you are a legal adult, you no longer get to blame your parents. The statute of limitations on blaming your parents for your bad behavior runs out at around ninth grade. After that, you're a sentient being performing actions that have consequences. 

Bottom line: Your parents may be raging loon-bags. But, they also love you - they can't help it, it's biological imperative. So quit blaming them for everything that's not working in your life - it's not doing you any good. Plus, no one wants to hear it. We're all busy figuring out how to deal with our own crazy parents.