The Letter That I Wanted To Send But Didn't

I drafted an email to my youngest adult child that I decided not to send in response to an email that I received that I am just going to save for future reference. I had sent a two-sentence birthday greeting at my spouse's urging even though my sister said to not do it. I was surprised to receive a response at all and not surprised by what they wrote.

For fellow parents, here is excerpts of the letter to protect identities from too much detail...

Wow. What a response. A simple thank you as a response, if so inclined, would have sufficed. But obviously you had things to say.

What I read appears to be from a place of such pain from years ago transferred to the present day. I'm so sorry that is the narrative of your experience with me. Reading your words took me aback and to a place of high cortisol that I have not had in my life for years, thankfully. My heart hurts for you after reading your words. 

I sent you a greeting from a place of love and fond memories with positive intentions without any expectation of a response or desire to be a part of anything. [referencing the reply] Frankly, I find the prospect of that too much. Even though I love you, my experience of adolescent you was not great nor you to me as your primary parent. It would be lovely to be past that, but we are not. Silence does not heal. Although it does appear that you have struggled with the desire for me to be there. Maybe it's time for an olive branch, maybe not. Much has changed in 9 years.

Nine years have gone by. I needed to say that twice. The fact is that I don't know you beyond your 17-year-old adolescent self. We never moved beyond the phase of adolescent hyper parental criticism through maturation into your adulthood together. And, fact number two, you don't know me beyond the vigilant mom that I needed to be to navigate you through those years. I have no desire to go back to that, and I imagine you do not either.

It's important to note that once you start seeing someone through a negative lens, anything that person may do or say, or not do or say, is seen as nefarious and that we often cannot see we are doing that. We just create them as the villain in our story gathering further evidence along the way. And that is a two-way street. 

It's obvious that you see me as some kind of monster. What I remember does not gel with that. Did I have my failings? Of course I did. Parents are human and make human mistakes.
Reading you pain, here's what I can offer you: If there are specific, verifiable things that I failed you on and owe you an apology for, I would like to know exactly what they are so that I could offer a genuine apology and contrition. I don't know what you don't tell me. I offer that without the desire to have a relationship with you because it is the right thing to do.

I can tell you that I spent the early years of estrangement self-flagellating every detail that my brain could muster to try to discern the origins of your distress that I could have caused that warranted ostracism. What I realized was that it wasn't how much I deeply loved, cared for, and showed up for you in tangible acts every single day of those 17 years to the best of my ability. But it was in what and how you were able to receive it. There are many people who feel that way - not having the parents they thought they wanted.

I hope that you don't go through the rest of your life with such pain and that someday you will remember the thousands of little moments along with the big ones of how you were loved by me, whether there is reconciliation or not. Please don't misconstrue that as a bid in that direction. Time will tell as it has. I know that underneath all the stuff that remains to be said, that you do love me as well, even though you don't like me from your 17-year-old self.

Knowing that you are alive and well and hopefully thriving is enough for me.

I will continue to send you love and light through the universe and may on the rare occasion send a two-sentence greeting to let you know that you are still loved but will try to remember your response. On occasion I pray for you. I do this because of something your father or you may not understand and may never - mother love. Years ago now, your father asked me why I went to such lengths for you all and forgave each of you for various things - because it's mother's grace and love that I hold in abundance even if not reciprocated. I see, know, and understand things that he did not and I imagine you do not either. He also apologized to me for his part in the estrangement, but it was too late. I accept that. I accept my part in it as well. Everyone has a part. The past is the past and can't be changed though it can be healed. I also know that he has previously suggested that you reach out to me. If that would provide healing for you, that's on you. You know where to find me. I'm at peace. My love for you from afar does not disrupt my peace.

Is the door open? Sort of - dependent on mutual respect and honesty and the need to not be forever crucified for being your parent. Accountable, yes. Tortured, no. But to be clear, I'm not asking anything from you that was beyond face value in the initial email, sent greetings wishing you well.

I know many of us parents, estranged or not, have navigated these waters. This is how I processed it. I wrote the letter that I will not send. If you have found yourself in that place, what are your thoughts and feedback?

Until next time...

~Estranged Parent

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