Beyond Estrangement: A Journey to Self-Compassion and Healing

Understanding the Journey Through the Lens of Collective Parenting

This morning, something I read truly resonated and sparked a light-bulb moment. Years ago, after reading Mildred Pierce and watching the HBO series adaptation, the themes came to mind again, especially when thinking about estrangement. Sometimes it’s better to be estranged.

Over the years, there was a tendency to take on the shame of adult children, to advocate for and affirm them, and to anticipate their needs. Opportunities were sought to shower them with resources—gifts and words of affirmation, which are primary love languages. Because expensive things or every wish were not always granted, it seemed as though spoiling was avoided. Yet, it now appears that the lesson imparted was one of mind-reading and meeting unspoken needs, shaped by a childhood that fostered such skills.

Three meals a day were cooked, lunches were packed, and baking and entertaining were regular occurrences. Family gatherings, birthdays, vacations, and overnights were planned with care by me. There was a constant presence—proactive, involved, and grounded—never reacting with shock or judgment over what they said. They were taught to think critically and to be themselves, assured that they could achieve anything they set their minds to. Parenting skills were researched diligently, especially for "challenging" children. Discipline was balanced with understanding, even when facing obstinance, disrespect, and noncooperation. Martial arts, school clubs and activities, and private lessons were arranged, with me actively volunteering as troop leader, classroom assistant, chaperone, etc.

Cooking lessons were requested, but directions were rarely followed, leading to a decision to stop. Every effort was made to give what was not received during one’s own childhood, fostering a sense of pride in parenting. As adult children grew, the relationship felt akin to best friendship.

The shift in the relationship is difficult to pinpoint. Perhaps a "good cop" spouse who remained disengaged from parenting or a jealous sibling who may have undermined efforts contributed, but certainty is elusive.

It has become clear that giving came from childhood—to people please at the expense of myself. In doing so, a pattern of self-neglect was perpetuated. Emotional needs were sidelined, and an emotionally abusive and neglectful spouse was elevated while the role of supportive partner and fixer was assumed. Concern for others’ opinions led to vulnerability then to gaslighting. I was dismissed – patronized and flat out lied to and forced to apologize for their horrid behaviors to keep the peace.

The path forward now demands fierce self-support. I’m not interested in bringing their drama back into my life. I stopped caring about others’ judgments or fearing abandonment and instead learned to be intensely present with myself.

I pulled myself back from the brink more than once—sometimes, quite literally. When I think about it, the frustration runs deep when recognizing that good intentions, hard work, and genuine care have resulted in disdain, neglect, and blame. There is embarrassment that adult children have chosen this path and seem devoid of empathy or curiosity about repairing the relationship. Shame surfaces in feeling less valued in their minds than they are in one’s own. I choose to be in the present most of the time. They are back there. So fortunately, I don’t have to visit the shame game often – and I’m so over it. The people that need to know do. And I’m not a victim or a villain.

These emotions need to be felt and then released. Then I send love and light into the universe for my offspring.

There remains a wellspring of love to offer, and now I give it inward, nurturing myself above all, which gives me the capacity to not be sucked dry by people who didn’t give back. My current spouse and adult stepchildren give as much as I do – incredibly healing after what I went through.

And I have my tribe of peers – the core people who are there – that I was isolated from previously and some newer within my empty nest years. That’s the key for abandoned or estranged parents, along with some young people who value what we collectively have to give. I have been surprised by the gratitude I receive and the value that I hold for them.

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