Parental Alienation / Estrangement: Finding Steadiness

 It's been years now that I have been estranged. Recently parental alienation has been coming up in my feeds - maybe it's because I watched Oprah's show / podcast on estrangement. I didn't seek it out, others told me about it. Although it was not a great show on the topic because it is too complex for such a limited venue, I am glad that it is being nationally recognized. It's a global problem with rising numbers for a variety of reasons. 

I'm still writing about estrangement and alienation, going into my sixth year writing about it in March, because although there are no comments on my blog, I do have quite a bit of a following globally. My hope is that others who need to see my words and lived experiences find their way here and find a little bit of hope. I hope others see there is life beyond estrangement - and it can be good. My goal has always been to put out good into the world, even through devastating pain.

I do enjoy empty nest life. I do have people in my life that love and respect me. There can be a good life even if reconciliation never happens. I'm living proof that a happy, centered life can be had despite going through the life altering, devastating CPTSD induced trauma that parental alienation and estrangement bring. I thank God daily that I am out of the loop.

I made loads of mistakes along the path of healing. I am a flawed human just like everyone else. All of the mistakes had something to teach me. There are hard truths along the way. I guess this is something for all of us to understand.

If you are being alienated from your child/children, the hardest truth is this:

Chasing them feels like love... but it pushes them farther away.

That's not cruelty. That's conditioning at work. Here's what most of us are doing wrong:

• Over-explaining. They don't want to hear it. It will get you nowhere. Facts or the truth does not matter with feelings. Their feelings are their truth.
• Defending ourselves to a child / adult child who has been coached. This one is really hard when you're being attacked. Walk away and ignore it. Block it all out of your life. Listen to others who know that you are a good person and not the negative narrative created against you.
• Begging for time, calls, or reassurance. Do not seek validation from them.
• Trying to "prove" we are a good parent. Don't recite your parental resume of the million good things you did. They don't care. Don't send gifts, cards, etc. And for God sake do not give any advice or money.
• Reacting emotionally to silence or rejection. Have your feelings in private and / or with trusted, safe people - not your child / children or any flying monkeys that will report back to them. Your feelings and pain are not their business. You are not going to guilt them into a loving relationship with how much you have suffered.

Unfortunate FACT: Each move feeds the story about you. The story sounds like this:

• You are unstable.
• You are unsafe.
• You are desperate.
• You cannot regulate yourself.

Unfortunate FACT: Alienation feeds on reaction. Silence starves it. This does not mean you stop loving your child / children. It means you love them with strength instead of panic. Stand true in who you are and go about your own business.

The parent who wins in the long term does three things:

• Regains emotional control.
• Builds a stable, grounded life.
• Becomes predictable, calm, and solid.

Children remember who felt safe - not who chased the hardest. If you are reacting all over the place, that is not you. Eventually (hopefully) they will remember that you were their primary parent and provided support, stability, and love, and become cognizant of the untruths and negative narrative pushed upon you. Then maybe in the future you will have the opportunity to own what is true - the places where you failed and the places you were successful. Even then, tread lightly.

Ask yourself tonight:

• Are you trying to soothe your pain through trying to connect with your child / children?
• Are you reacting or leading?
• Are you acting from fear or from self-respect?

Your child / children are watching from a distance. They are measuring who can hold steady under pressure.

Be that parent. 

But don't count on that being enough for reconciliation. Estrangement and alienation have a momentum of their own to continue. But at the end of the day, regaining yourself and living a good life is not a betrayal to what you have lost. It is what you deserve. I'll say it again; you deserve a good life. It is not noble to live a life of suffering. Don't beat yourself up if you stumble along the way. We all do.

If this hit you, share it. Someone else needs to hear it before they make it worse.

~Estranged Parent

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