Where is the Innocence Project for Estranged Parents? The Verdict Was Never Mine to Carry

 I heard the analogy the other day of being put on trial - this estrangement, parental alienation, ostracization. Seems apt to me. So, where's the innocence project for this? I think I'm seeing it emerge in the push back of individual parents and groups of parents whose voices are rising. If 30% of adults in the U.S. alone are estranged from a family member, it makes sense that these voices would arise with not just the capitulating advice of Joshua Coleman who in the nutshell says it doesn't matter if the accusations are true/false - apologize, make peace, walk on eggshells. Experience, my own and many other parents I know this is a fool's errand. The goal post will change and anything you falsely confess to will be used as further ammunition to persecute and prosecute. Be careful of being willing to do anything at any cost because it will harm you.

I say to hell with it. This being put on trial for wanting respect and love after decades of giving those in spades and sacrificing so much along the way. I'm not a martyr. Nor am I transactional. We've turned the other cheek countless times in their learning experiences. But we are expected to exist in an ever-changing definition of perfection. One single misstep equals banishment. No parent is perfect and neither are they as adult children or parents themselves. It's a no-win situation.

It took a while to accept that I lost my family and to deal with the grief that ensued. But I am about nine years into this estrangement, and I have rebuilt my life into a beautiful filled one with people who love, respect and value me as much as I do them. I know that the choices that I made were the best options at the time. I did my job well with everything I had. And that was pretty good. Always putting their needs before mine, I would do it all again. At 40, 30, and 25, all three are university educated, given survival tools to last them a lifetime, and were well loved. I am no longer the groveling people pleaser that I was turned into through my previous marriage.

So, if they came to me with a list of conditions, I would probably react as the mom in the viral video did. No thanks. Did you think I have been sitting here wringing my hands, clutching my pearls, prostate with soul crushing grief? Early days, yes, but time and tide wait for nobody. My peace and health are more important to go back to constant high cortisol that that kind of toxicity brings - walking on eggshells, waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop. No thanks.

Real growth and the maturity to know that it's a two-way street is a different story.

I want to say to those like me - it is brave to crawl out of the hole we were put in and emerge knowing that estrangement is just not normal behavior. But that in itself, it is freeing and makes you look back over all those things in the past and into the future with clearer eyes. Their unkindness and intention to harm (and that's a keyword here) is about them and not us. Coupled with an entitled feeling they deserve all our love but aren't required to reciprocate is a nasty little canker in their hearts - directly referring to the viral video.

Perhaps despite the pain endured, they did us a favor showing us their true selves. Perhaps we should take a long look at those adults doing this to their parents.

There's something I wish more estranged children understood - something that often never gets said out loud.

Very few people come from perfectly peaceful, storybook childhoods. Some of us came from chaos, fear, and instability (sometimes because of parental choices / sometimes not) but things no child should have to endure in a perfect world. And yet, just like previous generations, we became parents and made a quiet, determined choice: to be better than the generation before. We know you're doing your version of that.

We showed up. We helped with homework after long days. We made dinner, night after night. We cheered at games, and waited in parking lots. We tried - imperfectly, yes - but sincerely, to give our children a life that felt steady, supported, and safe... even when sometimes we had no model for what that looked like.

And now, somehow, the narrative has shifted.

Social media reduces complex family histories into sound bites: "cut them off," "protect your peace," "go no contact." And while boundaries absolutely matter, especially in harmful situations, there are also many good, loving parents being quietly erased - parents who were present, who tried, who cared deeply.

Two things can be true at once: We were not perfect. And we loved our children more than they may ever fully understand.

For parents carrying this kind of loss, please know you are not alone. There are many of us who broke cycles and didn't need to, who gave more than we received, and who are now grieving a relationship we never imagined losing. You can heal from this.

We remember the whole story... even if they don't.

Unlike many children in my generation and beyond, I very much wanted to know and understand the things from the perspective that the previous generations were living through. Context. But I was an old soul even then. That's given me the ability for compassion and to give grace to others. This is something in great scarcity these days.

#NoMoreEggshells #Parentalestrangement #ParentalAlienation #EstrangedParents #ParentsUnderFire #RefuseTheFalseConfession #GriefToGrowth #CycleBreakers #RebuildingAfterEstrangement #ParentsWhoTried #TruthSpeaks