To the 377,000 Who Stand With Me: Naming the Reality of Modern Estrangement

 I would like to extend my gratitude and thanks to the global community that follows me on this blog. Even though there is not a forward-facing counter or active comments, I see on the backend in the stats the consistent repeat and regular viewers of my posts along with the one-time visitors. On this platform the origin country and browsers used are identified. So, while I don't know who individuals are beyond those who may decide to reach out to me, I can see my following - roughly 377,000 regular followers across 19 countries with additional non-identified countries. Thank you to every single one of you.

I started writing this blog in March of 2020 just as the Covid-19 pandemic was shutting everything down. At that point I found myself with introspective time on my hands. I was a seeker of greater understanding and community for what had been happening to me by writing about it.

The start of estrangement was murky for me, as with so many parents. I was isolated and felt confusion and shame as accusations, of which I would learn are buzzwords verbatim hurled at hundreds of thousands of parents, were hurled at me - these abusive fabrications that caused me to be hurt, defensive, and confused. 

Before living this experience, I like so many people thought that if someone said something like the things that were being said that certainly there must be a kernel of truth that I needed to examine so that I could make things right. I set out to do just that to disastrous results. I didn't get that none of this was about accountability for the accusations that were being charged whether true of not. Because I actually did give a heartfelt blanket apology for anything I missed the mark on in October of 2018. It didn't matter. The verdict was already in for the constructed narrative they needed for peer approval. What this is really about is self-identified false victimhood due to a need to be seen, adulated, and accepted by peers. It's so incredibly dishonest.

In the early years even after starting this blog, I was carrying high stress and self-flagellation silently throughout my days. It took time, a lot of self-reflection, and then opening myself up to the support of people who knew me closely and were around my children their entire lives, along with insight of neutral third parties and the greater community of parents who were going through the same thing. I would encourage anyone new into estrangement to do the same.

I have watched as this phenomenon has exploded into the zeitgeist. It is heartbreaking and abusive to the parents and other loved ones who endure it. There has been a cultural shift that has turned adolescent angst into a pathology that has been pushed onto parents. No matter what a parent does or has done and does not do or didn't do, it does not matter. You are guilty by accusation.

We have created a generation of "mean girls" and somewhere along the way our sons became mean girls too. These kids are not confused. They are not misunderstood. They are not going through something. They are intentionally mean and cruel. They freeze people out on purpose. They humiliate on purpose. They cut parents, siblings, and friends out of their lives. And then they post about it like it's a status symbol achieved. And they call it healing. They keep calling it boundaries. They keep calling it growth. It's not. Cruelty doesn't become kindness because you use therapy words to deliver it. A whole generation has learned that being cold is power. That silence is strength. That estranging people who love you is brave. It is not brave. It is mean. I'm done pretending that I don't see it. I see it. I'm naming it. It's just mean.

To all the parents out there... You are not crazy. You are not the villain they rewrote you into. And you are allowed to call it what it is.

With reflection some things become transparent. Sometimes the issue is not the relationship. Sometimes the issue is the identity someone has built around the relationship. When someone becomes deeply attached to a story about who is right and who is wrong, who is wounded and who is to blame, letting go of that story can feel more threatening than losing the relationship itself. That's why some apologies never seem to be enough, and some conversations never seem to move forward. The goal isn't always resolution. Sometimes their goal is protecting an identity that has become too painful to question. And when that happens, distance becomes easier than self-reflection.

Here's my kid's playbook in the nutshell:

I have and secret and you won't like it. 

I wasn't waiting for an apology. I was waiting for an opportunity to tell you it wasn't enough. 

I wasn't hoping you'd take responsibility. I was hoping you'd keep chasing or just suffer in silence like I want you to. 

If you cried, I was just going to tell you that you were manipulating me. 

If you explained yourself, I was just going to say that you were making excuses. 

And if you defended yourself, I was going say that you never take accountability. 

If you stayed quiet, I was going to say you were avoidant. 

You thought there was a right answer. There wasn't because the game was over before it started. Every apology became proof you were guilty. Every explanation became proof you were wrong. Every attempt to fix things became proof there was something else to fix.

You thought we were trying to solve a problem? I was trying to keep one alive because if the problem gets solved, I lose the reason I need to keep blaming you.

If I allow all those things, I would become the villain instead of you.

Sound familiar? I'm so over it. How about you?

#ParentalEstrangement #ParentalAlienationAwareness #EstrangedParents #AdultChildrenEstrangement #FamilyCutOff #ModernEstrangement #TherapySpeakCulture #FalseNarratives #IdentityOverRelationship #CulturalShift #CallingItWhatItIs #TruthTelling

#EstrangementHealing #EstrangedButNotAlone #ParentsWhoHeal #BreakingTheSilence #LivedExperienceWriting #HealingJourney #ResilientParents #FindingClarity #RewritingTheNarrative #YouAreNotAlone

#FamilyDynamics #ToxicTrends #EmotionalAbuseAwareness #GenerationalPatterns #BoundariesVsCutOffs #MeanGirlCulture #SocialValidationCulture #PeerDrivenIdentity #ParentingRealities #GlobalCommunity